The night my wife died, I lay in bed hoping for sleep that never really came. Among the thousands of thoughts in my head, I realized that the one I had turned to most for parenting wisdom was my wife; the one the children turned to most for love and nurture was my wife. Now she was gone, and I deeply feared the impact that would have on my young children (then ages three and one). Feeling inadequate to love and parent these children well I prayed, "Lord, please give me a double portion of love and a double portion of wisdom."
I repeated that prayer a number of times through the months that followed, and I know the Lord answered most wonderfully. I was filled with a deep love for my children, even deeper than I had had before. And God granted wisdom not all at once, but moment by moment during the quick parenting decisions that have to be made many times each day.
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Turn to Him and see the wonderful ways He will meet your every need.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Resources I'd Recommend
Here are some resources I'd recommend to widows and widowers. There are many resources available, and I am familiar with only a portion of them; this is not meant to be a complete listing of everything available, but just a few resources I would personally recommend based on my own research and experiences.
As of this writing in June 2012, I will declare this list is "in process" and will be revised/updated as I research a number of resources and pass along to you the best ones I find. Please check back regularly to find updates, or better yet, sign up for e-mail updates at the right side of this page so you are the first to hear about each post or revision on Help for Widows and Widowers.
Book titles below will include a link to Amazon.com, but you could find most through Barnes & Noble or Christian Book Distributors, or at your local Christian bookstore.
All external links on this page will open a new window so you can easily return to this blog as you peruse resources. [Please let me know if you find that one of these links is broken.]
If you want to suggest to me some resources you have found helpful, please email me.
With that introduction, here is a list of resources you might consider:
Grief
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
Good Grief, Granger Westberg
GriefShare.org - This is a video series shown in GriefShare support groups, and it has very good material. This website will help you find a group near you.
Helping Children (for adults to read)
When Children Grieve - NOTE: This is not a "Christian" book, but it is very helpful in understanding how we can help children who are grieving
Books for Children (for children to read or for adults to read to children)
What About Heaven? - NOTE: My young children loved having me read this to them over and over
Heaven
Heaven, Randy Alcorn
In Light of Eternity, Randy Alcorn (a condensed version of his material in the Heaven book)
Heaven - for Kids, Randy Alcorn (older children can gain a lot from this simplified version)
As of this writing in June 2012, I will declare this list is "in process" and will be revised/updated as I research a number of resources and pass along to you the best ones I find. Please check back regularly to find updates, or better yet, sign up for e-mail updates at the right side of this page so you are the first to hear about each post or revision on Help for Widows and Widowers.
Book titles below will include a link to Amazon.com, but you could find most through Barnes & Noble or Christian Book Distributors, or at your local Christian bookstore.
All external links on this page will open a new window so you can easily return to this blog as you peruse resources. [Please let me know if you find that one of these links is broken.]
If you want to suggest to me some resources you have found helpful, please email me.
_____
Grief
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
Good Grief, Granger Westberg
GriefShare.org - This is a video series shown in GriefShare support groups, and it has very good material. This website will help you find a group near you.
Helping Children (for adults to read)
When Children Grieve - NOTE: This is not a "Christian" book, but it is very helpful in understanding how we can help children who are grieving
Books for Children (for children to read or for adults to read to children)
What About Heaven? - NOTE: My young children loved having me read this to them over and over
Heaven
Heaven, Randy Alcorn
In Light of Eternity, Randy Alcorn (a condensed version of his material in the Heaven book)
Heaven - for Kids, Randy Alcorn (older children can gain a lot from this simplified version)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
His Mercies are New Every Morning
In the midst of a passage of mourning, we read these words of hope in Lamentations 3:21-26:
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.In the midst of our morning, we can take comfort in these words. God's mercies are new every morning. We can hope in Him. He is good, and we can trust Him. Will you turn to Him even in your darkest moments?
It's Not the End of the Book
When we are in the throes of grief, it may seem that life has ended. Everything has changed, and without our permission. It's a dark place to be, and in that dark place, our fears and insecurities threaten to swallow us up.
Please allow me to speak a few words of truth. Life for you has not ended. Your dearest loved one has died, but you are still alive. There is still a purpose and plan for your life. Although your life has changed completely, this is not the end of the book - it's just a new chapter.
In Psalm 62:1-2 and 5-8 we read these words:
Please allow me to speak a few words of truth. Life for you has not ended. Your dearest loved one has died, but you are still alive. There is still a purpose and plan for your life. Although your life has changed completely, this is not the end of the book - it's just a new chapter.
In Psalm 62:1-2 and 5-8 we read these words:
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. ...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.During this time, turn to the Lord. He will give you strength. He will give you peace. He will give you hope for the future.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Grieving With Others
When our spouse dies, we enter a season of profound grief. In the midst of my own grief, I sometimes forgot an important point: others around me were grieving my wife's death too. Each person grieves in different ways, but all who knew my wife were going through their own processes of grief. The closer they were to her, the greater their own feelings of loss and pain.
Of course, I knew I needed to help my children grieve. But I was slower to think about my/our friends, members of our extended family, and others who were deeply touched by my wife's passing.
If I had been a little more attuned, I might have done a few things a little better:
1) I would have taken unhurried time to remember Cyndi with them, hearing their stories, and sharing some of my own. These times are valuable as we come to grips with the depth of our loss, and story-sharing is precious to everyone who knew the person.
2) I would have been less inclined to show people how much I "had it all together." I would have been more willing to admit the times I was deeply hurting. Although I would have carefully chosen the people with whom I would share those "down times," I would have allowed some of Cyndi's closer friends to enter into my own grief a little more, which in turn might have helped them in their own grief.
3) I would have been a little more gracious with the things people said to me. I knew people were only trying to offer words of comfort, and I received them graciously enough, but I would probably have extended even more grace if I had been conscious of the grief in their hearts. When they offered words of advice that sounded trite or silly, I would have extended even more grace, realizing they, too, were responding out of their own grief.
Grief can be a very lonely process. It seems less lonely when we share some of our grieving moments with dear family and friends.
There may also be great help gained from seeing a Christian counselor or going to a support group like GriefShare.
Most of all, our best help comes when we turn to the Lord. We are never truly alone: God is waiting to help us as we turn to Him.
Of course, I knew I needed to help my children grieve. But I was slower to think about my/our friends, members of our extended family, and others who were deeply touched by my wife's passing.
If I had been a little more attuned, I might have done a few things a little better:
1) I would have taken unhurried time to remember Cyndi with them, hearing their stories, and sharing some of my own. These times are valuable as we come to grips with the depth of our loss, and story-sharing is precious to everyone who knew the person.
2) I would have been less inclined to show people how much I "had it all together." I would have been more willing to admit the times I was deeply hurting. Although I would have carefully chosen the people with whom I would share those "down times," I would have allowed some of Cyndi's closer friends to enter into my own grief a little more, which in turn might have helped them in their own grief.
3) I would have been a little more gracious with the things people said to me. I knew people were only trying to offer words of comfort, and I received them graciously enough, but I would probably have extended even more grace if I had been conscious of the grief in their hearts. When they offered words of advice that sounded trite or silly, I would have extended even more grace, realizing they, too, were responding out of their own grief.
Grief can be a very lonely process. It seems less lonely when we share some of our grieving moments with dear family and friends.
There may also be great help gained from seeing a Christian counselor or going to a support group like GriefShare.
Most of all, our best help comes when we turn to the Lord. We are never truly alone: God is waiting to help us as we turn to Him.
Friday, June 8, 2012
The Death of the Future
When my wife died, I felt hopeless for the future. We had planned some vacation times that we would never take together. I thought of all the family celebrations she would never attend: school events, birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings...all would feel my wife's conspicuous absence. It was hard to comprehend those things without her.
Every grief experience is different. However, speaking in general terms, here is a one big difference in the grieving process between an older widow(er) and a younger widow(er): the younger widow(er) feels secondary grief over the death of the future.
For an older widow(er) who has enjoyed 30, 40, or 50+ years of marriage, they have many years of memories together with their spouse. The challenge now is comprehending life without their spouse, and there is some very real fear for the future.
However, much more, the younger widow(er) feels a profound level of grief over the loss of the future. At a young point in the marriage, there are more dreams for the future than memories of the past. With the passing of the spouse, all the hopes and dreams they had together died...or at least profoundly changed...as well. This is a unique kind of grief that will take time to work through in the life of a younger widow or widower.
As a word of encouragement, I would point out this very special Scripture:
As one who has traveled down the path of grief ahead of you, I can personally assure you of God's tender care for us through times of loss and grief. In my life, I found God's plan for my future to be more wonderful than I could have ever comprehended in advance. I encourage you to look to Him and find the future He has in store for you and your family.
Every grief experience is different. However, speaking in general terms, here is a one big difference in the grieving process between an older widow(er) and a younger widow(er): the younger widow(er) feels secondary grief over the death of the future.
For an older widow(er) who has enjoyed 30, 40, or 50+ years of marriage, they have many years of memories together with their spouse. The challenge now is comprehending life without their spouse, and there is some very real fear for the future.
However, much more, the younger widow(er) feels a profound level of grief over the loss of the future. At a young point in the marriage, there are more dreams for the future than memories of the past. With the passing of the spouse, all the hopes and dreams they had together died...or at least profoundly changed...as well. This is a unique kind of grief that will take time to work through in the life of a younger widow or widower.
As a word of encouragement, I would point out this very special Scripture:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13, ESV)When your spouse died, your future profoundly changed. You're right: nothing will ever be the same again. But your future can be good, because the LORD is the One who holds your future. You can trust Him, and seek His best for your future.
As one who has traveled down the path of grief ahead of you, I can personally assure you of God's tender care for us through times of loss and grief. In my life, I found God's plan for my future to be more wonderful than I could have ever comprehended in advance. I encourage you to look to Him and find the future He has in store for you and your family.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
When I Am Afraid
When my first wife died, another widow in my congregation handed me a book about overcoming fear. She said it was the most helpful book she had read when her husband passed away. I will admit, I was skeptical about the value of such a book. Why would I need to read about fear?
Within a couple of days I started having trouble sleeping; I heard every creak and groan in the house, and I was convinced someone was breaking in. When my children went outside, I was obsessed with protecting them, lest I lose someone else I dearly loved. I feared for my future, I feared for my finances, and I feared for the impact of this tragedy on my young children. I feared that I would be lonely for the rest of my life.
My children, too, felt great fear. Their biggest fear, though they could not express it, was that something would happen to me. Other natural childhood fears also intensified.
Fear is a very natural emotion in the aftermath of a loss. Even when we know the fear is irrational, it is present nonetheless.
I spent many hours holding my children, singing songs about God's power and might, and reading verses about heaven. Even as I comforted them, the Lord used those simple truths to comfort my own heart as well. One of our favorite songs was a scripture song recorded by Steve Green many years prior, "When I Am Afraid." The lyrics are based on Psalm 56:3-4a:
Within a couple of days I started having trouble sleeping; I heard every creak and groan in the house, and I was convinced someone was breaking in. When my children went outside, I was obsessed with protecting them, lest I lose someone else I dearly loved. I feared for my future, I feared for my finances, and I feared for the impact of this tragedy on my young children. I feared that I would be lonely for the rest of my life.
My children, too, felt great fear. Their biggest fear, though they could not express it, was that something would happen to me. Other natural childhood fears also intensified.
Fear is a very natural emotion in the aftermath of a loss. Even when we know the fear is irrational, it is present nonetheless.
I spent many hours holding my children, singing songs about God's power and might, and reading verses about heaven. Even as I comforted them, the Lord used those simple truths to comfort my own heart as well. One of our favorite songs was a scripture song recorded by Steve Green many years prior, "When I Am Afraid." The lyrics are based on Psalm 56:3-4a:
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid."When we are afraid, God invites us to place our hope and trust in Him, and to remember that every word in the Bible is true. As we remember His power and His love for us, our faith increases and our fear subsides.
The Lord is Near
In Psalm 34:18 we read these words: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." When my first wife died, my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed. Then as I read these words, I realized that I qualified for God's special presence and help.
God notices us! He cares for us! He is near to us! May these words bring you comfort today.
God notices us! He cares for us! He is near to us! May these words bring you comfort today.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
When I am Lonely
Intense loneliness is one of the most overwhelming issues for widows and widowers. Indeed, our life partner, our best friend, our confidant - is gone. There are no more late-night conversations, no more words of encouragement, no more words of wisdom to help with making important decisions.
After my wife died, there were times when I felt almost suffocated by loneliness.
When we are alone, it is most important to realize we are never truly alone. God is always with us. He is ever-present. We read in Psalm 46:1: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
In John 14 we read Jesus' words to His disciples just before His crucifixion. He promises they (and we) will never be alone. In fact, you may notice that all three members of the Trinity are present with us as you read these words of Jesus from John 14:15-23:
If you feel lonely, cling to the very presence of God, and let Him fill you with comfort and peace.
After my wife died, there were times when I felt almost suffocated by loneliness.
When we are alone, it is most important to realize we are never truly alone. God is always with us. He is ever-present. We read in Psalm 46:1: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
In John 14 we read Jesus' words to His disciples just before His crucifixion. He promises they (and we) will never be alone. In fact, you may notice that all three members of the Trinity are present with us as you read these words of Jesus from John 14:15-23:
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ...In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.
..."If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."We are never alone. This is a wonderful truth to cling to! This message is found throughout the Bible; I have only highlighted two brief passages. I will close with one more from Matthew 28:20: "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
If you feel lonely, cling to the very presence of God, and let Him fill you with comfort and peace.
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