Getting Through the Funeral

A funeral service is a time to remember the life of the person who passed away, celebrate some of the memories that are particularly special, and find comfort from our family and friends who gather with us. Funerals give us time to say a final "Goodbye" and move just a little closer to accepting the unwelcome reality that the person is truly gone.

Funeral services bring an overwhelming mix of emotions like these:

• Sadness - part of coming to grips with the loss
• Anger - part of reacting to this tremendous emotional pain
• Uncertainty - questions of "what now?"
• Peace and joy - if we believe our loved one is now in heaven
• Relief - if you have been caring for a sick spouse, death can bring a sense of relief that the work of helping them is now at an end
• Guilt - over things not said or other such missed opportunities

These are just a few of the ingredients in the "emotional stew" at the time of the funeral. I liken it to stew because you can see the separate ingredients, yet they all blend together.

One important thing to keep in mind through this time is this: everyone is grieving, though the mix of emotions for one person will be different that those of another. In times like this people may say or do strange things. If family relationships are already tense, a funeral usually exacerbates that tension. A person may say angry words that they would never say under normal circumstances. One person's emotions explode and hurt others who are dealing with their own emotions. 

As the funeral approaches, I would encourage you to...

• Use this time to draw together with family and support each other
• Set aside past family tensions to help each other in this moment
• Allow people to help you, from gathering pictures to making meals to watching your children
• Show grace to yourself for all the emotions you feel and the strange things you may say or do during this high-stress time
• Show grace to others for the same things
• Avoid making decisions that are not essential to the current day or week

Try to put aside anything that can wait until after the funeral is over. During the days leading up to the funeral don't dwell on issues like finances or jobs. Don't worry about what kind of relationship you will now have with your parents-in-law. Set aside these kinds of issues and then face them one by one over the next month (or longer). 

For now, just allow yourself time to grieve.