Help! I'm Exhausted!

I am by myself right now with my two kiddos, ages 6 and 2. Sometimes I feel so drained from having to be the only one to care for them nonstop all day, every day. Do you have any tips?

A young woman I know sent me this question because she knew I had single-parented two young children for two and a half years. Although her situation is different - her husband is deployed for a year overseas - the net result is the same: she is single-handedly taking care of her house and her kids. Indeed there are many people in similar situations.

I wrote these words to encourage her:

I feel for you! It's very hard to single-parent. I remember most nights just collapsing into bed exhausted, choosing to ignore the dirty dishes and the sheets that hadn't been washed for more than a month. It is truly draining, so please don't think something's wrong if you are constantly tired or overwhelmingly behind. That's just normal.

It's all about choosing the things that are most important. Pay the bills on time. Cook healthy meals. Keep things as clean as possible. Keep the laundry up-to-date. These things are essential to life.

However, you may not have time to make scrapbooks, respond to every e-mail, go to every church or school event, or other things you think you "should" do. Choose what's most important and don't feel guilty about the things you cannot do right now.

You can ask for help for some things. For example, you might hire a friend (and pay them well) to clean your house top-to-bottom once a month.

There are several things I did that simplified life:
* I bought my son all one kind of sock and my daughter all another kind. That made sorting and folding clean socks a simple task.
* I gave away all clothing items that needed to be ironed. I didn't have time or patience to iron.
* I put away the kids' clothes in a way that they could easily choose their own outfits. Matching shirts/pants sets were folded together. "Play Clothes" were put in a separate drawer from "good clothes."
* I bought a chest freezer and purchased food in bulk. I maintained a good quantity of quick-prepare (healthy) dinners, frozen veggies, and other food standards (ground beef, chicken, etc.).
* I stocked ahead on household items that, if we ran out, would require me to go to the store in an "emergency." I didn't want such emergencies to force me to squeeze a store trip into a very busy day. I made sure I was always well-stocked on things like milk, bread, cereal, kids' favorite snacks, toilet paper, laundry detergent, and basic medicines.
* I learned the art of crock-pot cooking.
* I learned the value of preparing a meal in a quantity for three nights, and then freezing two nights' worth to use at a later date.
* I changed my hairstyle and my kids' hairstyles to something I could cut by myself at home and not have to spend time styling in the mornings.
* I bought a flexible shower hose/head that attached to the bathtub spigot. That made it easier to rinse the kids off after a bath, but I could also focus the water so it didn't get in their faces.
* I chose to splurge on Clorox Wipes, Swiffer dusters, and other things that made cleaning as quick and painless as possible. There are times to be frugal with money, but there are also times we need to be frugal with our time, and in this case, it was worth spending the extra money to save precious time.

These are just a few ideas to start you out.

Single-parenting is very hard, but you can do it. Keep pressing on! God's grace and strength to you!

FREE BOOK!

I am giving away my newest novel on Amazon.com today and tomorrow (Dec. 8-9). Please help spread the word.

Christmas Hope - A Short Novel










My other novel is only $1.99: Christmas for the Family - A Short Novel











May these books bless and encourage you!

Christmas Hope - A Short Novel

I'd like to announce the publication of my second e-book, just in time for Christmas!

Christmas Hope - A Short Novel is now available through Amazon.com.

Here's the summary:

Not everyone is able to have a "Merry" Christmas. The Nelson family is about to learn this in a very personal way.

Tom, Jackie, Erin, and John Nelson are a typical modern family. As Christmas approaches, they have plans for a big family celebration, with fun gifts and even a cruise vacation beginning the day after Christmas.

Then tragedy strikes and everything changes.

In the midst of their struggles, Tom and Jackie seek counsel from their Christian neighbors, Matt and Annie Tyler. Will the Nelsons find the hope they desperately need?

Even if you don't have a Kindle device, you can download the Kindle Reader program for free to any computer, or download the Kindle app to your mobile device.

Click HERE to view this book on Amazon.com or to purchase a copy for yourself.

Am I ready to remarry?

My wife died last year. How long should I wait until I remarry?

This is a great question. I asked it when I was in that situation, and I have discussed this with many other widow(er)s since then. That said, I might suggest that it's not quite the right question to ask. In truth, there is no prescribed time period before we're ready to marry again.

So to help any widow(er) determine their own readiness for remarriage, I recommend asking questions like these (in no particular order):

* Am I remarrying just to gain a housekeeper or a nanny?
* When I look at this person, am I loving her for who she is, or am I comparing her to my wife who died?
* Are my children ready to embrace a new parent?
* Am I looking for someone to provide a sense of financial security?
* Am I looking for a wife to meet certain needs, provide some level of stability, or otherwise meet a need that God alone should meet?
* Am I looking for someone to help meet my physical desires only?
* Why do I love this person? Are those reasons related to the unique person he/she is?
* What has been my grief process? Did I start grieving before my spouse died (e.g., he was sick for a long time so I began grieving even before the disease took his life)? Or did I start grieving all at once due to a catastrophic circumstance (e.g., some kind of accident)?
* What do other wise people suggest for me about this potential relationship?
* Is this other person entering into the relationship with their eyes open to the joys and the challenges of blending a family?
* If this person says "no," how will I react?
* What are my fears about starting a new marriage?
* What are my fears about remaining single for a while longer?
* Am I spending my thoughts more on my first spouse or on this new person?

Just as we want to marry for the right reasons, we also want to remarry for the right reasons. I hope these questions might help you discern whether you are ready to consider remarriage.

I welcome any comments you may have. Please share your thoughts below.

He Sees You

It was an ordinary day in the Temple. Scribes, Chief Priests, and Sadducees were trying to trap Jesus into saying something for which they could arrest Him. As always, He perceived their hearts and answered in ways that left them speechless.

Elsewhere I the temple people were bringing their monetary gifts into the treasury. Then it happened. A poor widow lovingly placed her gift into the treasury. Any other day, she would have come, deposited her tiny gift, and left - without being noticed by anyone else. But on this day something very special happened.

Jesus saw her. And he saw not just her physical appearance - He saw her heart, and the faith with which she deposited "all that she had to live on" (Luke 21:4). Of all the people in the Temple that day, Jesus noticed this poor widow and her gift given out of her incredible faith.

We do not know from scripture whether this widow ever knew that Jesus noticed her. But we certainly read Jesus's reaction. He saw her and He told everyone to follow her example of faith.

Very often we might tend to feel lonely. Especially when our spouse is gone, we go through times in which we wonder if anyone notices us or cares about us. Please read these words carefully: God sees you. He notices you. He knows your heart. He loves you. He is watching out for you.

A widow 2000 years ago or a widow(er) today: Jesus sees. He sees you. You are not alone.

Will you rest in that knowledge today?

Psalm 23:4 - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…." God is with you. May He fill you with grace and peace today.

Free Resources from Whitaker Writings

I have a number of free resources available on my main website, www.whitakerwritings.com.

Click HERE to find some free articles that might encourage you today.

Click HERE to listen to some sermons I've preached.

Click HERE to listen to a seminar I gave a couple of years ago, "Handling Hardship with Hope." On that page I have also included pdf files of the handouts I prepared for that workshop.

May these resources bless and encourage you today!

October 25

Exactly nine years ago today, Cynthia Whitaker passed from this life into eternity. The car accident was so violent that she died before any emergency personnel arrived.**

Amid the feelings of shock and grief, I was so thankful to know that Cyndi followed Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. She had a personal relationship with Christ. Because of this, I knew she was in heaven, and that she was full of peace and joy like she had never known on this earth. At times I was almost jealous that she got there first, but I'm sure I'll be there in 50 years or so, because I too have given my life to Jesus. In the meantime, I will continue to show great love to my dear wife Kristin and our three growing children (all of whom have also given their lives to Jesus).

Dear reader, I wish I could speak with you face-to-face so you could look me in the eye and see the deep sincerity with which I communicate these words: Life is precious and life is short. We never know when our earthly life will end. I pray that you, too, have given your heart to Jesus Christ. You never know when your earthly days will end, so it's not something you want to put off until "a more convenient time." How about now?

I like to explain the steps very simply, using the letters A-B-C-D:
*A - ADMIT you are a sinner. If you've ever told a lie or taken something that wasn't yours, that makes you a sinner. The Bible tells us we are ALL sinners: "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).
*B - BELIEVE that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23).
*C - CONFESS that Jesus is your Savior. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved" (Romans 10:9-10).
*D - DEPART from the sinful things you have been doing. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

If you want to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, you can pray a simple prayer like this: "Dear Father, I know I am a sinner. I believe that You sent Jesus Christ into the world to save people from their sins. I ask You now to forgive my sins. I want to turn away from my sin and follow Your way. I want Jesus to be my Savior and Lord. Thank you for showing Your great love for me. Amen."

If you prayed that prayer with all the sincerity of your heart, then you are now a follower of Jesus Christ. I urge you to find a good church that teaches the Bible every week, and start spending time with other people who follow Christ. I encourage you to start reading the Bible - perhaps you might start with reading the gospel of John - to learn more about the God of the universe and His Son, Jesus Christ.

We never know when our earthly days will end. Cyndi didn't know that October 25, 2003, would be her last day on this earth. She had no way to know that she would die at the age of 30. But she was ready to meet her Savior.

Are you?
__________________

**If you're interested in reading more of my personal story, you can read it in two parts (click these links to pull up each post):
Part 1
Part 2

"How can I survive on my own?"

When our spouse dies, one of our first questions is probably this: "How can I survive on my own?" For the years we were married, we leaned on our spouse for comfort and encouragement. We laughed together and cried together. We argued occasionally, but we came out together fighting on the same team. We faced challenges together, drawing strength from one another to overcome any obstacle. We honed one another's ideas and helped each other become better, wiser people.

When my wife died, I remember feeling incomplete. Almost immediately I missed her wisdom in making decisions regarding the house or the children. I missed being able to share good things from my workday. I craved her listening ear and her encouraging words when I had a bad day. I missed hearing her own stories about the day.

On top of that I faced fears about how I could survive the day-to-day practical needs of life all by myself. I had to care for two preschool-aged children. I had to cook and clean and pay the bills without any help. Going to the store, buying clothes for the kids, fixing things around the house, making big decisions - in every area I missed the help of my wife, my partner, my best friend.

I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I wondered how I could possibly survive.

Can you relate?

Through that time I did three things that helped tremendously:

1) I took comfort in the constant presence of God. Many scripture passages remind us of God's presence, but for now I'll share just one from Isaiah 41:10: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2) I simplified my life as much as possible. I developed hairstyles for myself and my children that I could cut and style without having to go to a professional. I bought all the same kind of socks - one style for my daughter and another style for my son - to save the time and frustration of sorting socks in the laundry. I developed a bill-paying system I could easily follow so I wouldn't miss a payment. I bought a chest freezer so I could bulk-buy meats, vegetables, and easy-to-prepare dinners.

3) I gratefully accepted the gracious help of others. People generously offered us home-cooked meals, childcare, play dates with their own kids, rides to school or church, and hand-me-down clothes. People were not offending my sense of independence; they were genuinely trying to help me during a time I most needed help. I am glad I humbled myself and accepted their help, praying there might be a day I could pass the blessing on to others who might be need similar help in the future.

If you have recently lost your spouse, please know that you CAN survive this time. Accept the generous offers of help from family or friends. Find ways to simplify daily tasks so they are manageable. And above all, rest in the constant presence of our faithful Lord. He is with you even now. As you look to Him, He will fill you with peace and provide for your every need.

Being Honest, No Matter How Much it Hurts

My young children asked many questions in the days and weeks following their mother's death. Actually, they asked some of the same questions over and over.

-"Where is Mommy?"
-"Why did she go?"
-"When is she coming back?"
-"Can I go to see her?"
-"Can we talk to her?"
-"Where is heaven?"
-"Will Jesus send her back?"
-"Will you go to heaven too and never come back?"

These questions hurt to hear, and hurt even more to answer. It was challenging to deal with their sincere questions using language and concepts a preschooler could understand.

From the time my children were born I had determined I would always tell them the truth. I never played games about Santa Claus or other mythical characters. I wanted my children always to know that we as their parents would tell them the truth, or we would honestly let them know that we could not answer a particular question if they inquired about something we could not or should not tell them.

So after my wife died I fumbled through trying to answer their painfully penetrating questions. They deserved honest answers, but how can a three-year-old understand abstract concepts like "death" and "heaven"?

As hard as it was, I answered every question as simply as I could, using brief but honest answers.

-"Mommy is with Jesus in heaven."
-"Mommy had too many boo-boos from the car accident."
-"Mommy is not coming back. She loves you very much, but when someone goes to heaven, they stay there forever."
-"One day you can go see her, but I think it will be years and years from now."
-"Maybe we can pray to God and ask Him to give her a message."
-"I'm not really sure where heaven is, but I know from the Bible it is a wonderful place, full of joy. Mommy is happier than she has ever been. She doesn't have any more boo-boos. The best part about heaven is that Jesus is there."
-"No, Jesus will not send Mommy back. I know Mommy loves you and Jesus loves you, and I know Jesus will watch over us always."
-"One day I will go to heaven too, but I think that will be a long, long time from now, after you're all grown up and have children of your own."


I didn't want to promise that something wouldn't happen to me (I cannot control that), but I wanted to allay their fears that I might die too. I didn't want them to confuse praying to God with talking to Mommy, so we prayed to God and asked Him to say "Hi" to Mommy. I knew they couldn't visualize heaven well (that's hard enough for adults), but I wanted them to know it is a wonderful place where Mommy is full of joy, and that one day we would be reunited in heaven.

When I answered my kids' questions, I let them see my own tears of grief. We held each other tightly and cried together over how much we missed Mommy.

Even though it is hard, please answer the questions your children ask with full honesty, no matter how much it hurts. If you don't know some of the answers to your children's questions, please take time to ask a pastor or a Christian counselor for some helpful answers. Read the Bible to get good information about heaven. Read some good books to help clarify your own thoughts (see the "Recommended Resources" page on this blog).

And remember the Lord cares deeply for you and your children. He will help you and them grow in your understanding and your faith as you seek Him together.

That Dreaded Question

"How are you doing?"

In our culture, people frequently ask this question as an all-purpose greeting, yet they seldom expect to hear more than a one- or two-word answer (if anything). Sometimes people ask this question with a sincere desire to hear more, and this is much better.

Personally, I've never really liked the question, especially when it's asked in a half-hearted manner. When my wife died, I began to dread this question much more. Yet many people I know and love asked, and sincerely wondered, how I was doing as I grieved the loss of my wife. Many e-mails and conversations included this question. To be honest, it always flustered me. Each time someone asked how I was doing, my mind swirled with thoughts like these:

• Does this person have time and patience to hear how I'm really doing?
• How close of a friend is this person, and how much am I comfortable sharing?
• Should I just tell a lie and say I'm fine when I really don't feel fine?
• If I answer "hurting" or "falling apart," is this person able to handle that?

Early in my grief process, I had trouble answering that dreaded question. I never doubted the love and concern shown by my good friends - and I appreciated their care very much. But I was unsure about how much I could or should share with them in those moments.

I finally found a way to answer briefly, truthfully, and appropriately. I could honestly answer, "I'm doing okay," or something similar, knowing that I was resting in the Lord's care, and that because of His grace and strength I was truly okay.

This brief answer enabled me to respond to the common greeting without emotionally falling apart or sharing far more than the person was ready to hear. Many of my friends and acquaintances were satisfied with such a brief answer. Others paused to show they were willing to hear more if I wanted to share, and this began many wonderful conversations during which my friends encouraged me a great deal.

If you're grieving, you may want to find a similar way to answer questions. Everyone who asks is probably well-intentioned, but maybe only a few are truly able to handle your grief-filled answers and gut-level honesty. You will want to choose wisely how and to whom you give more detailed responses.

And remember, because of God's sovereignty and goodness, you really are "fine." God is near to the brokenhearted (see Psalm 34:18). Even on the days when you lack peace and hope, you can know you're okay in His hands.

A Lighthouse in the Fog of Grief

Coastal areas have many lighthouses. Although better maritime technologies are employed today, it wasn't that long ago that lighthouses served as life-saving tools for sailors who were in danger of losing their way in dense fog or darkness.

As I write this, I have just learned of the sudden death of a young man I've worked closely with. Today I am struggling to think clearly in the midst of the dense fog that descends over our minds whenever we are in shock.

When we hear about the death of someone we love, whether a close friend or family member, our mind goes into a kind of self-protection mode. It takes a while to process the news and comprehend its full effect. At this moment my mind is distracted, floating between the things I'm trying to do today and the news I was not prepared to hear.

The fog is most dense when our spouse dies. Shock, denial, even bargaining with God - these are all part of the crazy experience we call "grief." In the midst of the fog, which may last for a very long time, we have to reassure ourselves that this is all a normal and natural part of the grief process.

Even more, we need a lighthouse to help us stay safe when we are lost in the fog. The best source of help comes from the Bible. Here are a few passages (out of many!) we might consider:

• Psalm 46:1-3, 10-11: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. ...'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!' The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
• Psalm 62:1: "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
• Psalm 73:25-26: "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
• Psalm 34:18: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
• Psalm 145:18: "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."

As I feel the shock of grief today, albeit much less than the grief of losing my wife almost nine years ago, I find once again that God's comforting presence and eternal truth give me strength. May you find the same lighthouse when you are in the fog of grief.

Remember the Children

When we are consumed with our grief over losing our spouse, it may be easy to overlook something very important: our children are grieving too.

Of course we know this in our minds, but is it possible we have trouble realizing it with our time and our actions?

• How do we respond when our kids ask questions about their parent who died?
• Do we give them opportunities to vent their own feelings without judgment or criticism?
• Do we let them see our expressions of grief so they know how to express their own grief in healthy ways?
• Do we recognize that fits of anger, intensive fears, and crazy emotional highs and lows may be related to their age-appropriate grief process?
• Do we patiently reminisce with them to help keep their memories alive?

My children were very young when their mother died. I spent many hours holding them on my lap and crying right along with them. I bought books about heaven and answered their questions no matter how simple or profound. I allowed them to express anger but redirected them when that anger came out in unhealthy ways. I tried to remain calm when my four-year-old wailed and flailed in long temper-tantrums. I tried not to worry when my two-year-old son regressed developmentally and refused to speak. I tried to reassure them in the midst of their overwhelming fears.

When children are a little older when they lose their parent, some different approaches may be helpful. Children do not inherently know how to express the intense emotions that come with losing a parent. Their concrete minds have trouble grasping eternity, loss, and so many abstract concepts (they're hard enough for adults to grasp!). We can give them words to help them express what they feel inside. We can let them see how we are grieving, which will help them also know their crazy emotions are okay.

Teenagers have still different issues. Being a teenager is hard enough without compounding it with pain and grief. Youth may not be as quick to seek out parents for comfort, so it is good to help them surround themselves with good friends, including some other wise adult friends, who will listen to them and point them in good directions.

At all ages, grieving children and youth may benefit from the help of a professional Christian counselor. (By the way, this is good for grieving spouses too.) A counselor will help provide words to aid the young person in expressing their emotions in productive ways. Counselors can suggest tools for many stages along the crazy road of grief. And a counselor can discern if unhealthy thoughts or emotions are developing, and can help turn those into something more positive.

I might add one more thought about counseling, especially for younger children. My children did not benefit from counseling at their very young ages. This was fine. But I kept looking for signs that it was time to reconsider counseling. As my daughter grew in age she also grew in her understanding of the devastating loss she experienced when her mother died. About age 10, she started experiencing serious flashbacks to the accident (she was in the car and saw her mother die). At this time we took her to a Christian counselor who helped her immensely. There may be more need for counseling as she grows, and we will take her when we feel it might be beneficial.

Please look for positive ways to help your children through this crazy grief process. Seek help from a Christian counselor, a pastor, or other mentors who are wise in the Scriptures and in life. With your help and the help of others like these I've suggested, your children can weather the storms of grief and continue to grow "in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man" (see Luke 2:52).

How Can I Help a Grieving Widow?

"My best friend's husband died last month, and now she is trying to find a job and take care of three young children all by herself. How can I help her?"

This is a great question to ask. When we see someone in need, we want to help, but we often don't know how. For some reason, when that someone is a younger widow or widower, the "how" can be harder to discern. And if that widow(er) simply answers our offer of help by saying they are "fine," that really stumps us.

From my own experiences, and from conversations with many other widows and widowers, here are a few ideas:

• Pray. For some crazy reason we tend to think that praying for someone is not really doing anything useful. Quite the opposite, prayer accomplishes much (see James 5:16). Pray, and then tell the widow(er) you are praying for them. Even more, give them a card in which you write out some of the specific things you are praying.
• Sit quietly and listen. The widow(er)'s mind is constantly swirling with thoughts, questions, and emotions too strong to express. Friends who will listen without judgment are precious gifts to the widow(er). Be prepared to sit patiently through long periods of silence while the widow(er)'s mind wanders through the fog of grief. 
• Help with mundane things. A younger widow or widower, especially one who is also caring for children, is overwhelmed with every aspect of life. Consider helping by taking the children to the park for a few hours, making a meal, cleaning the house, or doing a few loads of laundry. Perhaps you might help with home or car repairs. You might assist in organizing a birthday party for one of the kids. You could offer rides to school or church activities or kids' sporting events.
• Do something fun. Arrange for childcare and then take the widow(er) - along with some other close friends perhaps - out for a cup of coffee or a movie or an activity you know they will enjoy. (Take care that it doesn't look like a date.)
• Help the widow(er) and the children remember special things about their spouse/parent. Write out some of your own memories of the one who passed away. Pass along pictures and tell the stories that go with them. Even if you feel awkward talking about the person who died, the widow(er) and children don't, and those memories are treasures to them.
• Write words of encouragement. Send periodic cards to the widow(er), including handwritten thoughts or passages of Scripture. The children, too, will appreciate cards and letters. A widow(er) is flooded with cards at first, but then it seems the whole world quickly forgets. Sending a periodic card over the next two years is a valuable way to communicate, "I remember, and I care." 
• Graciously accept the words, "No, thank you." The widow(er) may genuinely appreciate your offer, but the timing is just wrong, or the momentary needs may be quite different than what you have offered. That's okay. 
• Don't give up. Even if you hear "No" a couple of times, be willing to extend the offer again a little later. 

These are just a few ideas for how you might bless your widow(er) friend. Be simple and creative as you communicate your love and care during this difficult time.

"Why," "What If," and "If Only"

When we face a painful time like the loss of a spouse, we tend to ask a lot of big-picture questions. The question of "Why" is almost always in the forefront of our minds. Not far behind are the conditional thoughts of "What If" and "If Only." Some of these thoughts might sound like this:

* What if I had done _____?
* What if I had not done ______?
* What if my spouse had ___________?
* If only I had _______, maybe this would not have happened.
* If only _____, I might have been spared this pain.

When my wife died, my crazy analytical mind searched through all kinds of questions like these. As much as I could, I pushed them all away. The "Why" questions really could not be answered. No amount of "What If" would change the current situation: my wife had died in a horrible accident. Dwelling in "If Only" could not make her come back, nor could it alter present - even if painful - reality.

I realized that I needed to keep my thoughts grounded in reality, no matter how much I didn't like that reality. My wife had died, and I could not change that horrendous fact. Rather than dwelling on thoughts of what might have been, I knew I needed to maintain a clear head to think through the needs of each day and care for my young children. Somehow we needed to keep living each day in this new reality without my wife and their mother.

I also learned how important it was to focus my mind on some wonderful truths from the Bible (see Philippians 4:6-8). God is sovereign and in control. Even though it looks very grim right now, I know He is good and He is at work in my life. Even though I have no ability to envision this new future, I know He holds the future in His hands. He is with me right here, right now.

If we want to ask some questions when we have moments of quiet reflection, here are some good questions to ask the Lord in prayer:

* How are You at work in the midst of this situation?
* Can You please show me what You're doing in my life right now?
* What do you want me to learn through this time?
* How do You want me to respond in the midst of this pain?
* How can I lean on You for these tremendous needs I have right now?
* How can I help my children through this time?
* How can I honor You even as I am hurting so badly?

I believe the Lord delights in answering these questions when we bring them to Him in prayer. We may never find answers to the "Why" questions this side of eternity, but the Lord will definitely show us answers to the "What" and "How" questions when we humbly ask.

As we read in Philippians 4:8: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Making Life-Changing Decisions

When my wife died, an emotional fog descended over my brain. I don't remember many details of those days that followed. Somewhere in the fog I read or heard a piece of advice I have passed on to many others since: don't make any life-changing decisions in the weeks immediately after you lose your spouse.

It is impossible to think clearly while in the throes of emotional pain. The fog is too thick. Of course, decisions must be made about funeral services and family arrangements. When making these decisions, it is wise to lean on the advice of a trusted friend or family member.

Other decisions are best delayed for at least a couple months or more. Here are some things that I would recommend delaying:

* Childcare arrangements - You may have to make some immediate arrangements for the care of your children while you work, but perhaps you might lean on friends for those first weeks and delay any commitments to long-term childcare (e.g., daycare center, nanny, etc.).
* Financial decisions - Many widows and widowers have quickly made large financial decisions they have later regretted. Of course you should pay your bills and fulfill your debts on time. But I suggest you avoid redoing the house, making big purchases, or engaging in any financial contracts, until you are able to clearly think through the long-term ramifications of these decisions.
* Job changes - If you have a job or if you don't have a job, I would recommend staying in that situation for the first few months if you can. So much has changed in your life; learning a new job would add to your already-high stress level.
* Business decisions - If your spouse owned a business, you will eventually need to make some decisions regarding its future. If possible, you may want to delay the decision for a few months, entrusting the leadership of the business to a faithful employee in the meantime.
* Moving - I remember wanting to stay in my house to cherish the memories, yet leave the house forever to escape the pain. For the sake of my children, and to keep as much stability as possible in our family, I stayed in our home. I am thankful I did. When time came to marry again, that was the best time for us to start afresh in a new home. You too may want to stay in your current home - and current city - for a while so you maintain some sense of stability for yourself and your children.
* Relationships - It may be tempting to sever some relationships that you and your spouse had enjoyed together, because they now feel very different. It may be tempting to seek out new relationships to help fill the enormous void in your life. I would suggest you delay making any decisions that affect friendships, because it is nearly impossible to reverse these decisions later. Cherish the friends you have for now.

Many of these decisions can easily be delayed a couple months, but if you can delay most of them for at least six months, that is probably even better. Wait for the emotional fog to clear a bit so you can see down the road a little better.

If you do need to make any decisions that are unforgivingly time-dependent, I suggest you lean heavily on the advice of a few trusted friends who care for you and who have no personal interest in the outcome of the decision. A pastor or counselor or attorney may also help you think through your options and give you some helpful advice.

Remember also that the Lord is ready to help you through all of these life-changing decisions. He has a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11), and if you look to Him, He will show you the way.

The Choice: Turn Away from God or Turn Toward Him?

We all face hard times in life. Many things can cause us pain; the death of a spouse is perhaps one of the most painful of all.

When we face hard times we each have a choice: Will I turn away from God, full of anger that He would allow this painful event in my life, or will I turn toward God, trusting Him to help me through?

Here are some Bible verses we might consider:

*Hebrews 4:14-16, esp. 16

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

*Matthew 11:28-30 (Jesus is speaking here)

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

*Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 

*Psalm 9:9-10

The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

In times of extreme pain, our best choice is to turn toward the Lord in faith and trust. Even when we don't understand the painful circumstances we are experiencing, we can trust in the sovereignty and goodness of God.

After all, if God is the best Source of help in times of trouble, why would I want to cut myself off from Him by running the other way? I choose to run to Him and seek His peace and strength and help.

What is your choice?

Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Praying for a Double Portion

The night my wife died, I lay in bed hoping for sleep that never really came. Among the thousands of thoughts in my head, I realized that the one I had turned to most for parenting wisdom was my wife; the one the children turned to most for love and nurture was my wife. Now she was gone, and I deeply feared the impact that would have on my young children (then ages three and one). Feeling inadequate to love and parent these children well I prayed, "Lord, please give me a double portion of love and a double portion of wisdom."

I repeated that prayer a number of times through the months that followed, and I know the Lord answered most wonderfully. I was filled with a deep love for my children, even deeper than I had had before. And God granted wisdom not all at once, but moment by moment during the quick parenting decisions that have to be made many times each day.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Turn to Him and see the wonderful ways He will meet your every need.

Resources I'd Recommend

Here are some resources I'd recommend to widows and widowers. There are many resources available, and I am familiar with only a portion of them; this is not meant to be a complete listing of everything available, but just a few resources I would personally recommend based on my own research and experiences.

As of this writing in June 2012, I will declare this list is "in process" and will be revised/updated as I research a number of resources and pass along to you the best ones I find. Please check back regularly to find updates, or better yet, sign up for e-mail updates at the right side of this page so you are the first to hear about each post or revision on Help for Widows and Widowers. 

Book titles below will include a link to Amazon.com, but you could find most through Barnes & Noble or Christian Book Distributors, or at your local Christian bookstore.

All external links on this page will open a new window so you can easily return to this blog as you peruse resources. [Please let me know if you find that one of these links is broken.]

If you want to suggest to me some resources you have found helpful, please email me.

_____

With that introduction, here is a list of resources you might consider:

Grief
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
Good Grief, Granger Westberg
GriefShare.org - This is a video series shown in GriefShare support groups, and it has very good material. This website will help you find a group near you.

Helping Children (for adults to read)
When Children Grieve - NOTE: This is not a "Christian" book, but it is very helpful in understanding how we can help children who are grieving

Books for Children (for children to read or for adults to read to children)
What About Heaven? - NOTE: My young children loved having me read this to them over and over

Heaven
Heaven, Randy Alcorn
In Light of Eternity, Randy Alcorn (a condensed version of his material in the Heaven book)
Heaven - for Kids, Randy Alcorn (older children can gain a lot from this simplified version)

His Mercies are New Every Morning

In the midst of a passage of mourning, we read these words of hope in Lamentations 3:21-26:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

In the midst of our morning, we can take comfort in these words. God's mercies are new every morning. We can hope in Him. He is good, and we can trust Him. Will you turn to Him even in your darkest moments?

It's Not the End of the Book

When we are in the throes of grief, it may seem that life has ended. Everything has changed, and without our permission. It's a dark place to be, and in that dark place, our fears and insecurities threaten to swallow us up.

Please allow me to speak a few words of truth. Life for you has not ended. Your dearest loved one has died, but you are still alive. There is still a purpose and plan for your life. Although your life has changed completely, this is not the end of the book - it's just a new chapter.

In Psalm 62:1-2 and 5-8 we read these words:

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. ...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

During this time, turn to the Lord. He will give you strength. He will give you peace. He will give you hope for the future.

Grieving With Others

When our spouse dies, we enter a season of profound grief. In the midst of my own grief, I sometimes forgot an important point: others around me were grieving my wife's death too. Each person grieves in different ways, but all who knew my wife were going through their own processes of grief. The closer they were to her, the greater their own feelings of loss and pain.

Of course, I knew I needed to help my children grieve. But I was slower to think about my/our friends, members of our extended family, and others who were deeply touched by my wife's passing.

If I had been a little more attuned, I might have done a few things a little better:
1) I would have taken unhurried time to remember Cyndi with them, hearing their stories, and sharing some of my own. These times are valuable as we come to grips with the depth of our loss, and story-sharing is precious to everyone who knew the person.
2) I would have been less inclined to show people how much I "had it all together." I would have been more willing to admit the times I was deeply hurting. Although I would have carefully chosen the people with whom I would share those "down times," I would have allowed some of Cyndi's closer friends to enter into my own grief a little more, which in turn might have helped them in their own grief.
3) I would have been a little more gracious with the things people said to me. I knew people were only trying to offer words of comfort, and I received them graciously enough, but I would probably have extended even more grace if I had been conscious of the grief in their hearts. When they offered words of advice that sounded trite or silly, I would have extended even more grace, realizing they, too, were responding out of their own grief.

Grief can be a very lonely process. It seems less lonely when we share some of our grieving moments with dear family and friends.

There may also be great help gained from seeing a Christian counselor or going to a support group like GriefShare.

Most of all, our best help comes when we turn to the Lord. We are never truly alone: God is waiting to help us as we turn to Him.

The Death of the Future

When my wife died, I felt hopeless for the future. We had planned some vacation times that we would never take together. I thought of all the family celebrations she would never attend: school events, birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings...all would feel my wife's conspicuous absence. It was hard to comprehend those things without her.

Every grief experience is different. However, speaking in general terms, here is a one big difference in the grieving process between an older widow(er) and a younger widow(er): the younger widow(er) feels secondary grief over the death of the future.

For an older widow(er) who has enjoyed 30, 40, or 50+ years of marriage, they have many years of memories together with their spouse. The challenge now is comprehending life without their spouse, and there is some very real fear for the future.

However, much more, the younger widow(er) feels a profound level of grief over the loss of the future. At a young point in the marriage, there are more dreams for the future than memories of the past. With the passing of the spouse, all the hopes and dreams they had together died...or at least profoundly changed...as well. This is a unique kind of grief that will take time to work through in the life of a younger widow or widower.

As a word of encouragement, I would point out this very special Scripture:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13, ESV)

When your spouse died, your future profoundly changed. You're right: nothing will ever be the same again. But your future can be good, because the LORD is the One who holds your future. You can trust Him, and seek His best for your future.

As one who has traveled down the path of grief ahead of you, I can personally assure you of God's tender care for us through times of loss and grief. In my life, I found God's plan for my future to be more wonderful than I could have ever comprehended in advance. I encourage you to look to Him and find the future He has in store for you and your family.

God Alone is the Source of my Peace

When I Am Afraid

When my first wife died, another widow in my congregation handed me a book about overcoming fear. She said it was the most helpful book she had read when her husband passed away. I will admit, I was skeptical about the value of such a book. Why would I need to read about fear?

Within a couple of days I started having trouble sleeping; I heard every creak and groan in the house, and I was convinced someone was breaking in. When my children went outside, I was obsessed with protecting them, lest I lose someone else I dearly loved. I feared for my future, I feared for my finances, and I feared for the impact of this tragedy on my young children. I feared that I would be lonely for the rest of my life.

My children, too, felt great fear. Their biggest fear, though they could not express it, was that something would happen to me. Other natural childhood fears also intensified.

Fear is a very natural emotion in the aftermath of a loss. Even when we know the fear is irrational, it is present nonetheless.

I spent many hours holding my children, singing songs about God's power and might, and reading verses about heaven. Even as I comforted them, the Lord used those simple truths to comfort my own heart as well. One of our favorite songs was a scripture song recorded by Steve Green many years prior, "When I Am Afraid." The lyrics are based on Psalm 56:3-4a:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid."

When we are afraid, God invites us to place our hope and trust in Him, and to remember that every word in the Bible is true. As we remember His power and His love for us, our faith increases and our fear subsides.

The Lord is Near

In Psalm 34:18 we read these words: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." When my first wife died, my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed. Then as I read these words, I realized that I qualified for God's special presence and help.

God notices us! He cares for us! He is near to us! May these words bring you comfort today.

When I am Lonely

Intense loneliness is one of the most overwhelming issues for widows and widowers. Indeed, our life partner, our best friend, our confidant - is gone. There are no more late-night conversations, no more words of encouragement, no more words of wisdom to help with making important decisions.

After my wife died, there were times when I felt almost suffocated by loneliness.

When we are alone, it is most important to realize we are never truly alone. God is always with us. He is ever-present. We read in Psalm 46:1: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

In John 14 we read Jesus' words to His disciples just before His crucifixion. He promises they (and we) will never be alone. In fact, you may notice that all three members of the Trinity are present with us as you read these words of Jesus from John 14:15-23:

   "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.
   "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ...In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him. 

   ..."If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."

We are never alone. This is a wonderful truth to cling to! This message is found throughout the Bible; I have only highlighted two brief passages. I will close with one more from Matthew 28:20: "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

If you feel lonely, cling to the very presence of God, and let Him fill you with comfort and peace.

My Story - Part 2

In "My Story - Part 1" I shared some of my personal experiences, especially the most painful moment when I learned that my wife had died. Here in Part 2 I want to tell you why I feel the urge to help others who are on similar paths of grief.

When Cyndi passed away, I felt intensely lonely. I desperately sought other people who had been down this path of grief and loss before me, so they could help me know there was hope to come sometime in the future. Even in our rather large church family, there were people who had lost their spouses after many years of marriage, there were women whose husbands had died suddenly, and there were people who became single parents through unwelcome circumstances (usually divorce). Several of these people offered many kind words of help and hope, for which I am forever grateful.

But I still could not find one person who met all of these qualifications (male, sudden loss of spouse, and single dad of young children). I longed to connect with someone who understood the unique levels of grief and fear that came from losing a younger spouse, particularly grieving the death of the future and fearing the future for my own young children.

Dear reader, if you are in the throes of grief and pain, I want you to know I have traveled down this path before you, and I can assure you THERE IS HOPE. Through this blog I want to offer you words of comfort. Along the way I want to offer some practical ideas for dealing with daily life in the "new normal."

Although you and I will probably never meet in person, I want you to know that I am praying for you and for every person who visits this site. I want you to know that if you reach out to the Lord during this time, He will meet your every need.

My Story - Part 1

Personal stories are very important. As you look at the material in this blog, you are likely curious about my own story and why I am interested in helping other widows and widowers. In Part 1 I will share my own story of loss, and in Part 2 I will share my motivation to help others who are walking similar paths of grief.

It was Saturday, October 25, 2003. For weeks I had made preparations for our church to host a satellite-simulcast marriage conference. For two days I had sat next to my wife, Cyndi, as we listened to speakers like Gary Smalley and others talk about marriage. As the conference came to a close, Cyndi and I held each other's hands and gazed into each other's eyes as we renewed our marriage vows along with more than 100 other couples in the room, plus thousands more participating in the same simulcast across the nation.

"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love you, to honor you, to cherish you and to protect you, forsaking all others as long as we both shall live."

After the conference concluded, Cyndi left the church to go home, check on our young children, and drive the babysitter back to her own house.

I continued the work of putting things away and resetting the sanctuary for Sunday morning's services. It was the weekend to change our clocks, and somewhere in the midst of my massive to-do list and the confusion between having some clocks already changed and others not yet changed, I lost track of time.

As I completed my work, I went to the church office to make some copies. Two men entered the church through the nearby doorway. One was my senior pastor and dear friend, Jeff Hinds. I did not recognize the other man. With grave looks on their faces, they asked me to join them in Jeff's office. Bewildered, I followed them, my head already beginning to fill with questions about what might be going on.

The stranger gave me his name and identified himself as the chief of police in a neighboring town. Then he said in a straightforward manner, yet with a quivering voice, "There's been a terrible automobile accident. I'm sorry to say your wife didn't make it."

The room swirled. It felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Jeff had wisely slid a chair behind me so I would have somewhere to land when I collapsed under the weight of the news. I honestly don't remember the next few minutes very clearly.

Somewhere in the blur, I heard the officer say that my children were in the car, but were alive and okay, and waiting for me at the hospital down the street. Somehow, Jeff had already made some hurried phone calls to various friends, so one friend was already at the hospital with the children until I could be there with them. At the hospital other close friends, stunned and filled with grief, joined us over the next couple of hours.

From the hospital waiting room, as my children were being entertained with videos and snacks from the cafeteria, I made the most difficult calls to my parents and Cyndi's parents. They called the rest of the family members, and all of them started on the road within a few hours' time, driving long distances to be with me during those first dark days of grief.

Thus began a painful and unwelcome chapter in my life. Nobody in their right mind would invite this kind of pain, but sometimes pain like this invades our lives without our permission.

As a young husband, I had seldom considered the possibility that my wife might die at an early age. I was focused on the logistics of daily life and our dreams for the future. When Cyndi passed away, my world shattered. Perhaps you can relate.

This is continued in "My Story - Part 2."
http://helpforwidowsandwidowers.blogspot.com/2012/05/my-story-part-2.html

God's Heart for Widows and Orphans

I have been doing an intensive study through the Scriptures to learn more about God's heart for widows and orphans. For now, here is one such verse:

Psalm 68:5: "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."

If God defines Himself as a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows, and if you are a widow (or widower), then you are in a place of God's special grace. God has a heart for you!