That Dreaded Question

"How are you doing?"

In our culture, people frequently ask this question as an all-purpose greeting, yet they seldom expect to hear more than a one- or two-word answer (if anything). Sometimes people ask this question with a sincere desire to hear more, and this is much better.

Personally, I've never really liked the question, especially when it's asked in a half-hearted manner. When my wife died, I began to dread this question much more. Yet many people I know and love asked, and sincerely wondered, how I was doing as I grieved the loss of my wife. Many e-mails and conversations included this question. To be honest, it always flustered me. Each time someone asked how I was doing, my mind swirled with thoughts like these:

• Does this person have time and patience to hear how I'm really doing?
• How close of a friend is this person, and how much am I comfortable sharing?
• Should I just tell a lie and say I'm fine when I really don't feel fine?
• If I answer "hurting" or "falling apart," is this person able to handle that?

Early in my grief process, I had trouble answering that dreaded question. I never doubted the love and concern shown by my good friends - and I appreciated their care very much. But I was unsure about how much I could or should share with them in those moments.

I finally found a way to answer briefly, truthfully, and appropriately. I could honestly answer, "I'm doing okay," or something similar, knowing that I was resting in the Lord's care, and that because of His grace and strength I was truly okay.

This brief answer enabled me to respond to the common greeting without emotionally falling apart or sharing far more than the person was ready to hear. Many of my friends and acquaintances were satisfied with such a brief answer. Others paused to show they were willing to hear more if I wanted to share, and this began many wonderful conversations during which my friends encouraged me a great deal.

If you're grieving, you may want to find a similar way to answer questions. Everyone who asks is probably well-intentioned, but maybe only a few are truly able to handle your grief-filled answers and gut-level honesty. You will want to choose wisely how and to whom you give more detailed responses.

And remember, because of God's sovereignty and goodness, you really are "fine." God is near to the brokenhearted (see Psalm 34:18). Even on the days when you lack peace and hope, you can know you're okay in His hands.

How Can I Help a Grieving Widow?

"My best friend's husband died last month, and now she is trying to find a job and take care of three young children all by herself. How can I help her?"

This is a great question to ask. When we see someone in need, we want to help, but we often don't know how. For some reason, when that someone is a younger widow or widower, the "how" can be harder to discern. And if that widow(er) simply answers our offer of help by saying they are "fine," that really stumps us.

From my own experiences, and from conversations with many other widows and widowers, here are a few ideas:

• Pray. For some crazy reason we tend to think that praying for someone is not really doing anything useful. Quite the opposite, prayer accomplishes much (see James 5:16). Pray, and then tell the widow(er) you are praying for them. Even more, give them a card in which you write out some of the specific things you are praying.
• Sit quietly and listen. The widow(er)'s mind is constantly swirling with thoughts, questions, and emotions too strong to express. Friends who will listen without judgment are precious gifts to the widow(er). Be prepared to sit patiently through long periods of silence while the widow(er)'s mind wanders through the fog of grief. 
• Help with mundane things. A younger widow or widower, especially one who is also caring for children, is overwhelmed with every aspect of life. Consider helping by taking the children to the park for a few hours, making a meal, cleaning the house, or doing a few loads of laundry. Perhaps you might help with home or car repairs. You might assist in organizing a birthday party for one of the kids. You could offer rides to school or church activities or kids' sporting events.
• Do something fun. Arrange for childcare and then take the widow(er) - along with some other close friends perhaps - out for a cup of coffee or a movie or an activity you know they will enjoy. (Take care that it doesn't look like a date.)
• Help the widow(er) and the children remember special things about their spouse/parent. Write out some of your own memories of the one who passed away. Pass along pictures and tell the stories that go with them. Even if you feel awkward talking about the person who died, the widow(er) and children don't, and those memories are treasures to them.
• Write words of encouragement. Send periodic cards to the widow(er), including handwritten thoughts or passages of Scripture. The children, too, will appreciate cards and letters. A widow(er) is flooded with cards at first, but then it seems the whole world quickly forgets. Sending a periodic card over the next two years is a valuable way to communicate, "I remember, and I care." 
• Graciously accept the words, "No, thank you." The widow(er) may genuinely appreciate your offer, but the timing is just wrong, or the momentary needs may be quite different than what you have offered. That's okay. 
• Don't give up. Even if you hear "No" a couple of times, be willing to extend the offer again a little later. 

These are just a few ideas for how you might bless your widow(er) friend. Be simple and creative as you communicate your love and care during this difficult time.