Getting Through the Funeral

A funeral service is a time to remember the life of the person who passed away, celebrate some of the memories that are particularly special, and find comfort from our family and friends who gather with us. Funerals give us time to say a final "Goodbye" and move just a little closer to accepting the unwelcome reality that the person is truly gone.

Funeral services bring an overwhelming mix of emotions like these:

• Sadness - part of coming to grips with the loss
• Anger - part of reacting to this tremendous emotional pain
• Uncertainty - questions of "what now?"
• Peace and joy - if we believe our loved one is now in heaven
• Relief - if you have been caring for a sick spouse, death can bring a sense of relief that the work of helping them is now at an end
• Guilt - over things not said or other such missed opportunities

These are just a few of the ingredients in the "emotional stew" at the time of the funeral. I liken it to stew because you can see the separate ingredients, yet they all blend together.

One important thing to keep in mind through this time is this: everyone is grieving, though the mix of emotions for one person will be different that those of another. In times like this people may say or do strange things. If family relationships are already tense, a funeral usually exacerbates that tension. A person may say angry words that they would never say under normal circumstances. One person's emotions explode and hurt others who are dealing with their own emotions. 

As the funeral approaches, I would encourage you to...

• Use this time to draw together with family and support each other
• Set aside past family tensions to help each other in this moment
• Allow people to help you, from gathering pictures to making meals to watching your children
• Show grace to yourself for all the emotions you feel and the strange things you may say or do during this high-stress time
• Show grace to others for the same things
• Avoid making decisions that are not essential to the current day or week

Try to put aside anything that can wait until after the funeral is over. During the days leading up to the funeral don't dwell on issues like finances or jobs. Don't worry about what kind of relationship you will now have with your parents-in-law. Set aside these kinds of issues and then face them one by one over the next month (or longer). 

For now, just allow yourself time to grieve.

Does God Care?

In the midst of the challenges of life, we may sometimes doubt the goodness of God. Does He really care? How can I know?

First, we can read the precious promises of His Word. 

• Nahum 1:7: The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.  
• 1 Peter 5:7: [Cast] all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
• Matthew 28:20b: "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
• Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Second, we can celebrate that He sent Jesus so we could have a relationship with Him. This is God's greatest expression of love for us!

• 1 John 4:10: In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son....
• 1 John 5:11: And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

Third, we can remember what God has done in the past.

• Psalm 77:11: I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

When we have a hard time seeing what God is doing, the fault is not in God's activities, but in our perceptions. In those times we can ask Him to open our eyes to how He is working, and He will help us see that He loves us, He cares for us, and He is always at work.

Help! I'm Exhausted!

I am by myself right now with my two kiddos, ages 6 and 2. Sometimes I feel so drained from having to be the only one to care for them nonstop all day, every day. Do you have any tips?

A young woman I know sent me this question because she knew I had single-parented two young children for two and a half years. Although her situation is different - her husband is deployed for a year overseas - the net result is the same: she is single-handedly taking care of her house and her kids. Indeed there are many people in similar situations.

I wrote these words to encourage her:

I feel for you! It's very hard to single-parent. I remember most nights just collapsing into bed exhausted, choosing to ignore the dirty dishes and the sheets that hadn't been washed for more than a month. It is truly draining, so please don't think something's wrong if you are constantly tired or overwhelmingly behind. That's just normal.

It's all about choosing the things that are most important. Pay the bills on time. Cook healthy meals. Keep things as clean as possible. Keep the laundry up-to-date. These things are essential to life.

However, you may not have time to make scrapbooks, respond to every e-mail, go to every church or school event, or other things you think you "should" do. Choose what's most important and don't feel guilty about the things you cannot do right now.

You can ask for help for some things. For example, you might hire a friend (and pay them well) to clean your house top-to-bottom once a month.

There are several things I did that simplified life:
* I bought my son all one kind of sock and my daughter all another kind. That made sorting and folding clean socks a simple task.
* I gave away all clothing items that needed to be ironed. I didn't have time or patience to iron.
* I put away the kids' clothes in a way that they could easily choose their own outfits. Matching shirts/pants sets were folded together. "Play Clothes" were put in a separate drawer from "good clothes."
* I bought a chest freezer and purchased food in bulk. I maintained a good quantity of quick-prepare (healthy) dinners, frozen veggies, and other food standards (ground beef, chicken, etc.).
* I stocked ahead on household items that, if we ran out, would require me to go to the store in an "emergency." I didn't want such emergencies to force me to squeeze a store trip into a very busy day. I made sure I was always well-stocked on things like milk, bread, cereal, kids' favorite snacks, toilet paper, laundry detergent, and basic medicines.
* I learned the art of crock-pot cooking.
* I learned the value of preparing a meal in a quantity for three nights, and then freezing two nights' worth to use at a later date.
* I changed my hairstyle and my kids' hairstyles to something I could cut by myself at home and not have to spend time styling in the mornings.
* I bought a flexible shower hose/head that attached to the bathtub spigot. That made it easier to rinse the kids off after a bath, but I could also focus the water so it didn't get in their faces.
* I chose to splurge on Clorox Wipes, Swiffer dusters, and other things that made cleaning as quick and painless as possible. There are times to be frugal with money, but there are also times we need to be frugal with our time, and in this case, it was worth spending the extra money to save precious time.

These are just a few ideas to start you out.

Single-parenting is very hard, but you can do it. Keep pressing on! God's grace and strength to you!

Am I ready to remarry?

My wife died last year. How long should I wait until I remarry?

This is a great question. I asked it when I was in that situation, and I have discussed this with many other widow(er)s since then. That said, I might suggest that it's not quite the right question to ask. In truth, there is no prescribed time period before we're ready to marry again.

So to help any widow(er) determine their own readiness for remarriage, I recommend asking questions like these (in no particular order):

* Am I remarrying just to gain a housekeeper or a nanny?
* When I look at this person, am I loving her for who she is, or am I comparing her to my wife who died?
* Are my children ready to embrace a new parent?
* Am I looking for someone to provide a sense of financial security?
* Am I looking for a wife to meet certain needs, provide some level of stability, or otherwise meet a need that God alone should meet?
* Am I looking for someone to help meet my physical desires only?
* Why do I love this person? Are those reasons related to the unique person he/she is?
* What has been my grief process? Did I start grieving before my spouse died (e.g., he was sick for a long time so I began grieving even before the disease took his life)? Or did I start grieving all at once due to a catastrophic circumstance (e.g., some kind of accident)?
* What do other wise people suggest for me about this potential relationship?
* Is this other person entering into the relationship with their eyes open to the joys and the challenges of blending a family?
* If this person says "no," how will I react?
* What are my fears about starting a new marriage?
* What are my fears about remaining single for a while longer?
* Am I spending my thoughts more on my first spouse or on this new person?

Just as we want to marry for the right reasons, we also want to remarry for the right reasons. I hope these questions might help you discern whether you are ready to consider remarriage.

I welcome any comments you may have. Please share your thoughts below.

"How can I survive on my own?"

When our spouse dies, one of our first questions is probably this: "How can I survive on my own?" For the years we were married, we leaned on our spouse for comfort and encouragement. We laughed together and cried together. We argued occasionally, but we came out together fighting on the same team. We faced challenges together, drawing strength from one another to overcome any obstacle. We honed one another's ideas and helped each other become better, wiser people.

When my wife died, I remember feeling incomplete. Almost immediately I missed her wisdom in making decisions regarding the house or the children. I missed being able to share good things from my workday. I craved her listening ear and her encouraging words when I had a bad day. I missed hearing her own stories about the day.

On top of that I faced fears about how I could survive the day-to-day practical needs of life all by myself. I had to care for two preschool-aged children. I had to cook and clean and pay the bills without any help. Going to the store, buying clothes for the kids, fixing things around the house, making big decisions - in every area I missed the help of my wife, my partner, my best friend.

I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I wondered how I could possibly survive.

Can you relate?

Through that time I did three things that helped tremendously:

1) I took comfort in the constant presence of God. Many scripture passages remind us of God's presence, but for now I'll share just one from Isaiah 41:10: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2) I simplified my life as much as possible. I developed hairstyles for myself and my children that I could cut and style without having to go to a professional. I bought all the same kind of socks - one style for my daughter and another style for my son - to save the time and frustration of sorting socks in the laundry. I developed a bill-paying system I could easily follow so I wouldn't miss a payment. I bought a chest freezer so I could bulk-buy meats, vegetables, and easy-to-prepare dinners.

3) I gratefully accepted the gracious help of others. People generously offered us home-cooked meals, childcare, play dates with their own kids, rides to school or church, and hand-me-down clothes. People were not offending my sense of independence; they were genuinely trying to help me during a time I most needed help. I am glad I humbled myself and accepted their help, praying there might be a day I could pass the blessing on to others who might be need similar help in the future.

If you have recently lost your spouse, please know that you CAN survive this time. Accept the generous offers of help from family or friends. Find ways to simplify daily tasks so they are manageable. And above all, rest in the constant presence of our faithful Lord. He is with you even now. As you look to Him, He will fill you with peace and provide for your every need.

Remember the Children

When we are consumed with our grief over losing our spouse, it may be easy to overlook something very important: our children are grieving too.

Of course we know this in our minds, but is it possible we have trouble realizing it with our time and our actions?

• How do we respond when our kids ask questions about their parent who died?
• Do we give them opportunities to vent their own feelings without judgment or criticism?
• Do we let them see our expressions of grief so they know how to express their own grief in healthy ways?
• Do we recognize that fits of anger, intensive fears, and crazy emotional highs and lows may be related to their age-appropriate grief process?
• Do we patiently reminisce with them to help keep their memories alive?

My children were very young when their mother died. I spent many hours holding them on my lap and crying right along with them. I bought books about heaven and answered their questions no matter how simple or profound. I allowed them to express anger but redirected them when that anger came out in unhealthy ways. I tried to remain calm when my four-year-old wailed and flailed in long temper-tantrums. I tried not to worry when my two-year-old son regressed developmentally and refused to speak. I tried to reassure them in the midst of their overwhelming fears.

When children are a little older when they lose their parent, some different approaches may be helpful. Children do not inherently know how to express the intense emotions that come with losing a parent. Their concrete minds have trouble grasping eternity, loss, and so many abstract concepts (they're hard enough for adults to grasp!). We can give them words to help them express what they feel inside. We can let them see how we are grieving, which will help them also know their crazy emotions are okay.

Teenagers have still different issues. Being a teenager is hard enough without compounding it with pain and grief. Youth may not be as quick to seek out parents for comfort, so it is good to help them surround themselves with good friends, including some other wise adult friends, who will listen to them and point them in good directions.

At all ages, grieving children and youth may benefit from the help of a professional Christian counselor. (By the way, this is good for grieving spouses too.) A counselor will help provide words to aid the young person in expressing their emotions in productive ways. Counselors can suggest tools for many stages along the crazy road of grief. And a counselor can discern if unhealthy thoughts or emotions are developing, and can help turn those into something more positive.

I might add one more thought about counseling, especially for younger children. My children did not benefit from counseling at their very young ages. This was fine. But I kept looking for signs that it was time to reconsider counseling. As my daughter grew in age she also grew in her understanding of the devastating loss she experienced when her mother died. About age 10, she started experiencing serious flashbacks to the accident (she was in the car and saw her mother die). At this time we took her to a Christian counselor who helped her immensely. There may be more need for counseling as she grows, and we will take her when we feel it might be beneficial.

Please look for positive ways to help your children through this crazy grief process. Seek help from a Christian counselor, a pastor, or other mentors who are wise in the Scriptures and in life. With your help and the help of others like these I've suggested, your children can weather the storms of grief and continue to grow "in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man" (see Luke 2:52).

How Can I Help a Grieving Widow?

"My best friend's husband died last month, and now she is trying to find a job and take care of three young children all by herself. How can I help her?"

This is a great question to ask. When we see someone in need, we want to help, but we often don't know how. For some reason, when that someone is a younger widow or widower, the "how" can be harder to discern. And if that widow(er) simply answers our offer of help by saying they are "fine," that really stumps us.

From my own experiences, and from conversations with many other widows and widowers, here are a few ideas:

• Pray. For some crazy reason we tend to think that praying for someone is not really doing anything useful. Quite the opposite, prayer accomplishes much (see James 5:16). Pray, and then tell the widow(er) you are praying for them. Even more, give them a card in which you write out some of the specific things you are praying.
• Sit quietly and listen. The widow(er)'s mind is constantly swirling with thoughts, questions, and emotions too strong to express. Friends who will listen without judgment are precious gifts to the widow(er). Be prepared to sit patiently through long periods of silence while the widow(er)'s mind wanders through the fog of grief. 
• Help with mundane things. A younger widow or widower, especially one who is also caring for children, is overwhelmed with every aspect of life. Consider helping by taking the children to the park for a few hours, making a meal, cleaning the house, or doing a few loads of laundry. Perhaps you might help with home or car repairs. You might assist in organizing a birthday party for one of the kids. You could offer rides to school or church activities or kids' sporting events.
• Do something fun. Arrange for childcare and then take the widow(er) - along with some other close friends perhaps - out for a cup of coffee or a movie or an activity you know they will enjoy. (Take care that it doesn't look like a date.)
• Help the widow(er) and the children remember special things about their spouse/parent. Write out some of your own memories of the one who passed away. Pass along pictures and tell the stories that go with them. Even if you feel awkward talking about the person who died, the widow(er) and children don't, and those memories are treasures to them.
• Write words of encouragement. Send periodic cards to the widow(er), including handwritten thoughts or passages of Scripture. The children, too, will appreciate cards and letters. A widow(er) is flooded with cards at first, but then it seems the whole world quickly forgets. Sending a periodic card over the next two years is a valuable way to communicate, "I remember, and I care." 
• Graciously accept the words, "No, thank you." The widow(er) may genuinely appreciate your offer, but the timing is just wrong, or the momentary needs may be quite different than what you have offered. That's okay. 
• Don't give up. Even if you hear "No" a couple of times, be willing to extend the offer again a little later. 

These are just a few ideas for how you might bless your widow(er) friend. Be simple and creative as you communicate your love and care during this difficult time.

Making Life-Changing Decisions

When my wife died, an emotional fog descended over my brain. I don't remember many details of those days that followed. Somewhere in the fog I read or heard a piece of advice I have passed on to many others since: don't make any life-changing decisions in the weeks immediately after you lose your spouse.

It is impossible to think clearly while in the throes of emotional pain. The fog is too thick. Of course, decisions must be made about funeral services and family arrangements. When making these decisions, it is wise to lean on the advice of a trusted friend or family member.

Other decisions are best delayed for at least a couple months or more. Here are some things that I would recommend delaying:

* Childcare arrangements - You may have to make some immediate arrangements for the care of your children while you work, but perhaps you might lean on friends for those first weeks and delay any commitments to long-term childcare (e.g., daycare center, nanny, etc.).
* Financial decisions - Many widows and widowers have quickly made large financial decisions they have later regretted. Of course you should pay your bills and fulfill your debts on time. But I suggest you avoid redoing the house, making big purchases, or engaging in any financial contracts, until you are able to clearly think through the long-term ramifications of these decisions.
* Job changes - If you have a job or if you don't have a job, I would recommend staying in that situation for the first few months if you can. So much has changed in your life; learning a new job would add to your already-high stress level.
* Business decisions - If your spouse owned a business, you will eventually need to make some decisions regarding its future. If possible, you may want to delay the decision for a few months, entrusting the leadership of the business to a faithful employee in the meantime.
* Moving - I remember wanting to stay in my house to cherish the memories, yet leave the house forever to escape the pain. For the sake of my children, and to keep as much stability as possible in our family, I stayed in our home. I am thankful I did. When time came to marry again, that was the best time for us to start afresh in a new home. You too may want to stay in your current home - and current city - for a while so you maintain some sense of stability for yourself and your children.
* Relationships - It may be tempting to sever some relationships that you and your spouse had enjoyed together, because they now feel very different. It may be tempting to seek out new relationships to help fill the enormous void in your life. I would suggest you delay making any decisions that affect friendships, because it is nearly impossible to reverse these decisions later. Cherish the friends you have for now.

Many of these decisions can easily be delayed a couple months, but if you can delay most of them for at least six months, that is probably even better. Wait for the emotional fog to clear a bit so you can see down the road a little better.

If you do need to make any decisions that are unforgivingly time-dependent, I suggest you lean heavily on the advice of a few trusted friends who care for you and who have no personal interest in the outcome of the decision. A pastor or counselor or attorney may also help you think through your options and give you some helpful advice.

Remember also that the Lord is ready to help you through all of these life-changing decisions. He has a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11), and if you look to Him, He will show you the way.

Resources I'd Recommend

Here are some resources I'd recommend to widows and widowers. There are many resources available, and I am familiar with only a portion of them; this is not meant to be a complete listing of everything available, but just a few resources I would personally recommend based on my own research and experiences.

As of this writing in June 2012, I will declare this list is "in process" and will be revised/updated as I research a number of resources and pass along to you the best ones I find. Please check back regularly to find updates, or better yet, sign up for e-mail updates at the right side of this page so you are the first to hear about each post or revision on Help for Widows and Widowers. 

Book titles below will include a link to Amazon.com, but you could find most through Barnes & Noble or Christian Book Distributors, or at your local Christian bookstore.

All external links on this page will open a new window so you can easily return to this blog as you peruse resources. [Please let me know if you find that one of these links is broken.]

If you want to suggest to me some resources you have found helpful, please email me.

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With that introduction, here is a list of resources you might consider:

Grief
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
Good Grief, Granger Westberg
GriefShare.org - This is a video series shown in GriefShare support groups, and it has very good material. This website will help you find a group near you.

Helping Children (for adults to read)
When Children Grieve - NOTE: This is not a "Christian" book, but it is very helpful in understanding how we can help children who are grieving

Books for Children (for children to read or for adults to read to children)
What About Heaven? - NOTE: My young children loved having me read this to them over and over

Heaven
Heaven, Randy Alcorn
In Light of Eternity, Randy Alcorn (a condensed version of his material in the Heaven book)
Heaven - for Kids, Randy Alcorn (older children can gain a lot from this simplified version)