Does God Care?

In the midst of the challenges of life, we may sometimes doubt the goodness of God. Does He really care? How can I know?

First, we can read the precious promises of His Word. 

• Nahum 1:7: The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.  
• 1 Peter 5:7: [Cast] all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
• Matthew 28:20b: "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
• Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Second, we can celebrate that He sent Jesus so we could have a relationship with Him. This is God's greatest expression of love for us!

• 1 John 4:10: In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son....
• 1 John 5:11: And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

Third, we can remember what God has done in the past.

• Psalm 77:11: I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

When we have a hard time seeing what God is doing, the fault is not in God's activities, but in our perceptions. In those times we can ask Him to open our eyes to how He is working, and He will help us see that He loves us, He cares for us, and He is always at work.

Fighting FEAR with FAITH

In an earlier blog post I shared some of my experiences with fear. In meeting with other widows and widowers over the years, I find that fear is a very common battle, especially after losing a spouse. In this post I want to suggest some thoughts to help us fight FEAR with FAITH.

Perhaps simple acronyms will help us. Let's first look at FEAR.

• F is for Flight. When we are fearful we are likely to flee from any situation that we fear. In the process we tend to pull back from healthy friendships and activities, and that leads us down a lonely path.
• E is for Error. In a state of fear we begin to think in strange and unhealthy ways. We imagine worst case scenarios and dwell on negative "what ifs." We may even be able to identify that a particular thought process is unreasonable or even absurd, but that doesn't necessarily remove the resulting fear.
• A is for Anxiety. We feel anxious about our own safety, or the safety of people we love, and that makes it seem wiser to withdraw into perceived safety than to step out and take reasonable risks or even engage in normal daily activities.
• R is for Reaction. Instead of deciding on the best course of action, we get into a pattern of reacting to our emotional state or to perceived threats. These reactive decisions often lead us in negative directions.

How can we fight FEAR? With FAITH.

• F is for Family and Friends. We can tell a couple close people about our struggles and ask them to pray for us. We can ask someone to be with us at times when we feel most lonely or most vulnerable. Without relationships like these we can tend to withdraw into a shell of loneliness, which only increases fear rather than overcoming it.
• A is for Activity. Fear threatens to paralyze us. We can counter this by finding something active and enjoyable to do. Go to church. Meet a friend for coffee. Attend a show at a local theater. Take a short trip to see a beautiful place. Visit a park or a lake and spend a couple hours enjoying God's creation.
• I is for Insight. We can counter our fears with essential Truth from God's Word. Here are some verses on which we can meditate:

               Philippians 4:4-9
               Psalm 56:3-4
               Psalm 27:1
               Psalm 118:5-6
               John 14:27
               John 16:33
               Romans 8:15
               2 Timothy 1:7
               1 John 4:18

• T is for Truth. In addition to the truth of God's Word, we can counter our fears with other truths from life. It is statistically improbable that our car will be stolen our our house invaded. It is extremely unlikely that I will be mugged on a suburban street or attacked while sitting in my church. We can let these simple truths overshadow erroneous thoughts and their affiliated fears.
• H is for Health. We want to eat healthily, sleep adequately, and find some form of exercise we enjoy. For starters, we can take a short walk every day. When we take care of our physical bodies, that helps our mental and emotional health as well.

You might point out that fear is an emotion, and it is difficult to counter emotion with reason. This is partially true, but the Word of God gives us many commands about our emotions: Love one another (John 13:34-35); rejoice always (1 Thessalonians 5:16, Philippians 4:4); be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18, Colossians 3:15). And the Bible tells us to fear not (John 14:27). So to an important degree, God calls us to control our emotions. And He gives us the power to do so through the Holy Spirit.

You might find that this is overly simplistic. Perhaps so. I admit that some fears are so intense or complex that they are hard to understand, much less fight. Yet I also know that the Lord doesn't want us trapped in our fears, so maybe these simplistic steps will help us at least to begin the process of overcoming fears in our lives.

Are you ready to fight FEAR with FAITH?

Grief as a Line

I'm developing an illustration, and I'd love to hear YOUR feedback below.

I'm thinking about the time it takes to grieve, and how it varies from person to person based on a wide range of factors. I'm a visual person, so I'm trying to develop a way to describe these variations visually.

Let's visualize the "grief process" as a line. At some point on that line is the point of death. However, death may not be at the beginning of the line. When a woman learns that her husband has only a few months to live, she really begins that process of grieving even before his life ends; she starts to work through the shock and the anger as she comes to grips with the reality of his imminent passing.

Still, "death" is a definite point somewhere on the line. But for the woman mentioned in this example, she has already started grieving, so it may take her a shorter period of time to reach the end of that grief journey.

However, for someone who loses a spouse to an accident, he or she has no advance time to begin grieving. The point of "death" is at the beginning of the line, and for these people, the grief journey often takes quite a bit longer. This was definitely true in my own experience.

Then I think of an older man whose wife died a long, slow, death due to cancer. He was ready to remarry just a few months later, because he had already done most of his grieving while his wife lay in hospice care. His adult children, however, were still grappling with their own grief, and felt unprepared when their father announced he was ready to remarry. Every person in the family was grieving; they were just in different places on the line of grief.

To further this illustration, I think of things which may make the line longer or shorter. If a couple is very young, that lengthens the line because there is additional grief over the death of the future. If an injustice has led to a death, that often lengthens the grief process. If a couple has had unresolved issues, or financial difficulties, the grief process may be longer because of the other emotions that arise. Yet on the other hand, if a couple has lived a long life and has felt prepared for the point in which one of their lives would end, the line might be shorter. If a person feels certain their loved one is now in heaven, that sense of peace may make the line a little shorter. If a widow(er) trusts that their future is secure in God's hands, that often shortens the process of grief a little bit.

Part of why I'm grappling with this illustration is that I counsel a number of people who wonder, "Is what I'm going through 'normal'?" When it comes to grief, there are so many absurdities that we almost always feel that something must be "wrong" or that we're not grieving "normally." I have used this visual of a line with a few widows and widowers, and have found that it helps illustrate why people's grief journeys are all different, and why there is very little way to compare one person's grief with another.

So please tell me...does this illustration help you visualize grief a little better? Do you have suggestions for how I might sharpen this visual image so it can become even more helpful?

Curves and Switchbacks

One summer I took my family to Pike's Peak in Colorado. Our van had a wonderful compass to tell us which way we were going, and that compass had helped us a lot up to that point in our two-week trip.


The road up to Pike's Peak is full of sharp curves, switchbacks, and steep drops off the side of the road. Along the way up the mountain we noticed that the compass was desperately trying to keep up, but by the time it caught up, we were already rounding the next curve, and it was suddenly displaying the wrong direction.

In some ways, the grief process can be like this. There are various "stages" of grief, but a grieving widow(er) will move back and forth through these stages at unpredictable moments. Our mental compass cannot keep up with the curves and switchbacks along the crazy road of grief.

Sudden flashes of anger. Bursting into tears in the middle of the grocery store. Overwhelming and unexplainable moments of fear. Wondering if maybe this is all a bad dream and your spouse will suddenly show up alive and well. Grief brings a crazy mix of unpredictable emotions!

Sometimes we just have to hang on through the strange and unpredictable ride. I would offer you these words of comfort: You're not going crazy - you're grieving.

He Sees You

It was an ordinary day in the Temple. Scribes, Chief Priests, and Sadducees were trying to trap Jesus into saying something for which they could arrest Him. As always, He perceived their hearts and answered in ways that left them speechless.

Elsewhere I the temple people were bringing their monetary gifts into the treasury. Then it happened. A poor widow lovingly placed her gift into the treasury. Any other day, she would have come, deposited her tiny gift, and left - without being noticed by anyone else. But on this day something very special happened.

Jesus saw her. And he saw not just her physical appearance - He saw her heart, and the faith with which she deposited "all that she had to live on" (Luke 21:4). Of all the people in the Temple that day, Jesus noticed this poor widow and her gift given out of her incredible faith.

We do not know from scripture whether this widow ever knew that Jesus noticed her. But we certainly read Jesus's reaction. He saw her and He told everyone to follow her example of faith.

Very often we might tend to feel lonely. Especially when our spouse is gone, we go through times in which we wonder if anyone notices us or cares about us. Please read these words carefully: God sees you. He notices you. He knows your heart. He loves you. He is watching out for you.

A widow 2000 years ago or a widow(er) today: Jesus sees. He sees you. You are not alone.

Will you rest in that knowledge today?

Psalm 23:4 - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…." God is with you. May He fill you with grace and peace today.

Free Resources from Whitaker Writings

I have a number of free resources available on my main website, www.whitakerwritings.com.

Click HERE to find some free articles that might encourage you today.

Click HERE to listen to some sermons I've preached.

Click HERE to listen to a seminar I gave a couple of years ago, "Handling Hardship with Hope." On that page I have also included pdf files of the handouts I prepared for that workshop.

May these resources bless and encourage you today!

October 25

Exactly nine years ago today, Cynthia Whitaker passed from this life into eternity. The car accident was so violent that she died before any emergency personnel arrived.**

Amid the feelings of shock and grief, I was so thankful to know that Cyndi followed Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. She had a personal relationship with Christ. Because of this, I knew she was in heaven, and that she was full of peace and joy like she had never known on this earth. At times I was almost jealous that she got there first, but I'm sure I'll be there in 50 years or so, because I too have given my life to Jesus. In the meantime, I will continue to show great love to my dear wife Kristin and our three growing children (all of whom have also given their lives to Jesus).

Dear reader, I wish I could speak with you face-to-face so you could look me in the eye and see the deep sincerity with which I communicate these words: Life is precious and life is short. We never know when our earthly life will end. I pray that you, too, have given your heart to Jesus Christ. You never know when your earthly days will end, so it's not something you want to put off until "a more convenient time." How about now?

I like to explain the steps very simply, using the letters A-B-C-D:
*A - ADMIT you are a sinner. If you've ever told a lie or taken something that wasn't yours, that makes you a sinner. The Bible tells us we are ALL sinners: "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).
*B - BELIEVE that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23).
*C - CONFESS that Jesus is your Savior. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved" (Romans 10:9-10).
*D - DEPART from the sinful things you have been doing. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

If you want to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, you can pray a simple prayer like this: "Dear Father, I know I am a sinner. I believe that You sent Jesus Christ into the world to save people from their sins. I ask You now to forgive my sins. I want to turn away from my sin and follow Your way. I want Jesus to be my Savior and Lord. Thank you for showing Your great love for me. Amen."

If you prayed that prayer with all the sincerity of your heart, then you are now a follower of Jesus Christ. I urge you to find a good church that teaches the Bible every week, and start spending time with other people who follow Christ. I encourage you to start reading the Bible - perhaps you might start with reading the gospel of John - to learn more about the God of the universe and His Son, Jesus Christ.

We never know when our earthly days will end. Cyndi didn't know that October 25, 2003, would be her last day on this earth. She had no way to know that she would die at the age of 30. But she was ready to meet her Savior.

Are you?
__________________

**If you're interested in reading more of my personal story, you can read it in two parts (click these links to pull up each post):
Part 1
Part 2

"How can I survive on my own?"

When our spouse dies, one of our first questions is probably this: "How can I survive on my own?" For the years we were married, we leaned on our spouse for comfort and encouragement. We laughed together and cried together. We argued occasionally, but we came out together fighting on the same team. We faced challenges together, drawing strength from one another to overcome any obstacle. We honed one another's ideas and helped each other become better, wiser people.

When my wife died, I remember feeling incomplete. Almost immediately I missed her wisdom in making decisions regarding the house or the children. I missed being able to share good things from my workday. I craved her listening ear and her encouraging words when I had a bad day. I missed hearing her own stories about the day.

On top of that I faced fears about how I could survive the day-to-day practical needs of life all by myself. I had to care for two preschool-aged children. I had to cook and clean and pay the bills without any help. Going to the store, buying clothes for the kids, fixing things around the house, making big decisions - in every area I missed the help of my wife, my partner, my best friend.

I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I wondered how I could possibly survive.

Can you relate?

Through that time I did three things that helped tremendously:

1) I took comfort in the constant presence of God. Many scripture passages remind us of God's presence, but for now I'll share just one from Isaiah 41:10: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2) I simplified my life as much as possible. I developed hairstyles for myself and my children that I could cut and style without having to go to a professional. I bought all the same kind of socks - one style for my daughter and another style for my son - to save the time and frustration of sorting socks in the laundry. I developed a bill-paying system I could easily follow so I wouldn't miss a payment. I bought a chest freezer so I could bulk-buy meats, vegetables, and easy-to-prepare dinners.

3) I gratefully accepted the gracious help of others. People generously offered us home-cooked meals, childcare, play dates with their own kids, rides to school or church, and hand-me-down clothes. People were not offending my sense of independence; they were genuinely trying to help me during a time I most needed help. I am glad I humbled myself and accepted their help, praying there might be a day I could pass the blessing on to others who might be need similar help in the future.

If you have recently lost your spouse, please know that you CAN survive this time. Accept the generous offers of help from family or friends. Find ways to simplify daily tasks so they are manageable. And above all, rest in the constant presence of our faithful Lord. He is with you even now. As you look to Him, He will fill you with peace and provide for your every need.

That Dreaded Question

"How are you doing?"

In our culture, people frequently ask this question as an all-purpose greeting, yet they seldom expect to hear more than a one- or two-word answer (if anything). Sometimes people ask this question with a sincere desire to hear more, and this is much better.

Personally, I've never really liked the question, especially when it's asked in a half-hearted manner. When my wife died, I began to dread this question much more. Yet many people I know and love asked, and sincerely wondered, how I was doing as I grieved the loss of my wife. Many e-mails and conversations included this question. To be honest, it always flustered me. Each time someone asked how I was doing, my mind swirled with thoughts like these:

• Does this person have time and patience to hear how I'm really doing?
• How close of a friend is this person, and how much am I comfortable sharing?
• Should I just tell a lie and say I'm fine when I really don't feel fine?
• If I answer "hurting" or "falling apart," is this person able to handle that?

Early in my grief process, I had trouble answering that dreaded question. I never doubted the love and concern shown by my good friends - and I appreciated their care very much. But I was unsure about how much I could or should share with them in those moments.

I finally found a way to answer briefly, truthfully, and appropriately. I could honestly answer, "I'm doing okay," or something similar, knowing that I was resting in the Lord's care, and that because of His grace and strength I was truly okay.

This brief answer enabled me to respond to the common greeting without emotionally falling apart or sharing far more than the person was ready to hear. Many of my friends and acquaintances were satisfied with such a brief answer. Others paused to show they were willing to hear more if I wanted to share, and this began many wonderful conversations during which my friends encouraged me a great deal.

If you're grieving, you may want to find a similar way to answer questions. Everyone who asks is probably well-intentioned, but maybe only a few are truly able to handle your grief-filled answers and gut-level honesty. You will want to choose wisely how and to whom you give more detailed responses.

And remember, because of God's sovereignty and goodness, you really are "fine." God is near to the brokenhearted (see Psalm 34:18). Even on the days when you lack peace and hope, you can know you're okay in His hands.

A Lighthouse in the Fog of Grief

Coastal areas have many lighthouses. Although better maritime technologies are employed today, it wasn't that long ago that lighthouses served as life-saving tools for sailors who were in danger of losing their way in dense fog or darkness.

As I write this, I have just learned of the sudden death of a young man I've worked closely with. Today I am struggling to think clearly in the midst of the dense fog that descends over our minds whenever we are in shock.

When we hear about the death of someone we love, whether a close friend or family member, our mind goes into a kind of self-protection mode. It takes a while to process the news and comprehend its full effect. At this moment my mind is distracted, floating between the things I'm trying to do today and the news I was not prepared to hear.

The fog is most dense when our spouse dies. Shock, denial, even bargaining with God - these are all part of the crazy experience we call "grief." In the midst of the fog, which may last for a very long time, we have to reassure ourselves that this is all a normal and natural part of the grief process.

Even more, we need a lighthouse to help us stay safe when we are lost in the fog. The best source of help comes from the Bible. Here are a few passages (out of many!) we might consider:

• Psalm 46:1-3, 10-11: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. ...'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!' The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
• Psalm 62:1: "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
• Psalm 73:25-26: "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
• Psalm 34:18: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
• Psalm 145:18: "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."

As I feel the shock of grief today, albeit much less than the grief of losing my wife almost nine years ago, I find once again that God's comforting presence and eternal truth give me strength. May you find the same lighthouse when you are in the fog of grief.

"Why," "What If," and "If Only"

When we face a painful time like the loss of a spouse, we tend to ask a lot of big-picture questions. The question of "Why" is almost always in the forefront of our minds. Not far behind are the conditional thoughts of "What If" and "If Only." Some of these thoughts might sound like this:

* What if I had done _____?
* What if I had not done ______?
* What if my spouse had ___________?
* If only I had _______, maybe this would not have happened.
* If only _____, I might have been spared this pain.

When my wife died, my crazy analytical mind searched through all kinds of questions like these. As much as I could, I pushed them all away. The "Why" questions really could not be answered. No amount of "What If" would change the current situation: my wife had died in a horrible accident. Dwelling in "If Only" could not make her come back, nor could it alter present - even if painful - reality.

I realized that I needed to keep my thoughts grounded in reality, no matter how much I didn't like that reality. My wife had died, and I could not change that horrendous fact. Rather than dwelling on thoughts of what might have been, I knew I needed to maintain a clear head to think through the needs of each day and care for my young children. Somehow we needed to keep living each day in this new reality without my wife and their mother.

I also learned how important it was to focus my mind on some wonderful truths from the Bible (see Philippians 4:6-8). God is sovereign and in control. Even though it looks very grim right now, I know He is good and He is at work in my life. Even though I have no ability to envision this new future, I know He holds the future in His hands. He is with me right here, right now.

If we want to ask some questions when we have moments of quiet reflection, here are some good questions to ask the Lord in prayer:

* How are You at work in the midst of this situation?
* Can You please show me what You're doing in my life right now?
* What do you want me to learn through this time?
* How do You want me to respond in the midst of this pain?
* How can I lean on You for these tremendous needs I have right now?
* How can I help my children through this time?
* How can I honor You even as I am hurting so badly?

I believe the Lord delights in answering these questions when we bring them to Him in prayer. We may never find answers to the "Why" questions this side of eternity, but the Lord will definitely show us answers to the "What" and "How" questions when we humbly ask.

As we read in Philippians 4:8: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

The Choice: Turn Away from God or Turn Toward Him?

We all face hard times in life. Many things can cause us pain; the death of a spouse is perhaps one of the most painful of all.

When we face hard times we each have a choice: Will I turn away from God, full of anger that He would allow this painful event in my life, or will I turn toward God, trusting Him to help me through?

Here are some Bible verses we might consider:

*Hebrews 4:14-16, esp. 16

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

*Matthew 11:28-30 (Jesus is speaking here)

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

*Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 

*Psalm 9:9-10

The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

In times of extreme pain, our best choice is to turn toward the Lord in faith and trust. Even when we don't understand the painful circumstances we are experiencing, we can trust in the sovereignty and goodness of God.

After all, if God is the best Source of help in times of trouble, why would I want to cut myself off from Him by running the other way? I choose to run to Him and seek His peace and strength and help.

What is your choice?

Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Praying for a Double Portion

The night my wife died, I lay in bed hoping for sleep that never really came. Among the thousands of thoughts in my head, I realized that the one I had turned to most for parenting wisdom was my wife; the one the children turned to most for love and nurture was my wife. Now she was gone, and I deeply feared the impact that would have on my young children (then ages three and one). Feeling inadequate to love and parent these children well I prayed, "Lord, please give me a double portion of love and a double portion of wisdom."

I repeated that prayer a number of times through the months that followed, and I know the Lord answered most wonderfully. I was filled with a deep love for my children, even deeper than I had had before. And God granted wisdom not all at once, but moment by moment during the quick parenting decisions that have to be made many times each day.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Turn to Him and see the wonderful ways He will meet your every need.

His Mercies are New Every Morning

In the midst of a passage of mourning, we read these words of hope in Lamentations 3:21-26:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

In the midst of our morning, we can take comfort in these words. God's mercies are new every morning. We can hope in Him. He is good, and we can trust Him. Will you turn to Him even in your darkest moments?

It's Not the End of the Book

When we are in the throes of grief, it may seem that life has ended. Everything has changed, and without our permission. It's a dark place to be, and in that dark place, our fears and insecurities threaten to swallow us up.

Please allow me to speak a few words of truth. Life for you has not ended. Your dearest loved one has died, but you are still alive. There is still a purpose and plan for your life. Although your life has changed completely, this is not the end of the book - it's just a new chapter.

In Psalm 62:1-2 and 5-8 we read these words:

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. ...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

During this time, turn to the Lord. He will give you strength. He will give you peace. He will give you hope for the future.

Grieving With Others

When our spouse dies, we enter a season of profound grief. In the midst of my own grief, I sometimes forgot an important point: others around me were grieving my wife's death too. Each person grieves in different ways, but all who knew my wife were going through their own processes of grief. The closer they were to her, the greater their own feelings of loss and pain.

Of course, I knew I needed to help my children grieve. But I was slower to think about my/our friends, members of our extended family, and others who were deeply touched by my wife's passing.

If I had been a little more attuned, I might have done a few things a little better:
1) I would have taken unhurried time to remember Cyndi with them, hearing their stories, and sharing some of my own. These times are valuable as we come to grips with the depth of our loss, and story-sharing is precious to everyone who knew the person.
2) I would have been less inclined to show people how much I "had it all together." I would have been more willing to admit the times I was deeply hurting. Although I would have carefully chosen the people with whom I would share those "down times," I would have allowed some of Cyndi's closer friends to enter into my own grief a little more, which in turn might have helped them in their own grief.
3) I would have been a little more gracious with the things people said to me. I knew people were only trying to offer words of comfort, and I received them graciously enough, but I would probably have extended even more grace if I had been conscious of the grief in their hearts. When they offered words of advice that sounded trite or silly, I would have extended even more grace, realizing they, too, were responding out of their own grief.

Grief can be a very lonely process. It seems less lonely when we share some of our grieving moments with dear family and friends.

There may also be great help gained from seeing a Christian counselor or going to a support group like GriefShare.

Most of all, our best help comes when we turn to the Lord. We are never truly alone: God is waiting to help us as we turn to Him.

The Death of the Future

When my wife died, I felt hopeless for the future. We had planned some vacation times that we would never take together. I thought of all the family celebrations she would never attend: school events, birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings...all would feel my wife's conspicuous absence. It was hard to comprehend those things without her.

Every grief experience is different. However, speaking in general terms, here is a one big difference in the grieving process between an older widow(er) and a younger widow(er): the younger widow(er) feels secondary grief over the death of the future.

For an older widow(er) who has enjoyed 30, 40, or 50+ years of marriage, they have many years of memories together with their spouse. The challenge now is comprehending life without their spouse, and there is some very real fear for the future.

However, much more, the younger widow(er) feels a profound level of grief over the loss of the future. At a young point in the marriage, there are more dreams for the future than memories of the past. With the passing of the spouse, all the hopes and dreams they had together died...or at least profoundly changed...as well. This is a unique kind of grief that will take time to work through in the life of a younger widow or widower.

As a word of encouragement, I would point out this very special Scripture:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13, ESV)

When your spouse died, your future profoundly changed. You're right: nothing will ever be the same again. But your future can be good, because the LORD is the One who holds your future. You can trust Him, and seek His best for your future.

As one who has traveled down the path of grief ahead of you, I can personally assure you of God's tender care for us through times of loss and grief. In my life, I found God's plan for my future to be more wonderful than I could have ever comprehended in advance. I encourage you to look to Him and find the future He has in store for you and your family.

The Lord is Near

In Psalm 34:18 we read these words: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." When my first wife died, my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed. Then as I read these words, I realized that I qualified for God's special presence and help.

God notices us! He cares for us! He is near to us! May these words bring you comfort today.

When I am Lonely

Intense loneliness is one of the most overwhelming issues for widows and widowers. Indeed, our life partner, our best friend, our confidant - is gone. There are no more late-night conversations, no more words of encouragement, no more words of wisdom to help with making important decisions.

After my wife died, there were times when I felt almost suffocated by loneliness.

When we are alone, it is most important to realize we are never truly alone. God is always with us. He is ever-present. We read in Psalm 46:1: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

In John 14 we read Jesus' words to His disciples just before His crucifixion. He promises they (and we) will never be alone. In fact, you may notice that all three members of the Trinity are present with us as you read these words of Jesus from John 14:15-23:

   "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.
   "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ...In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him. 

   ..."If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."

We are never alone. This is a wonderful truth to cling to! This message is found throughout the Bible; I have only highlighted two brief passages. I will close with one more from Matthew 28:20: "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

If you feel lonely, cling to the very presence of God, and let Him fill you with comfort and peace.

God's Heart for Widows and Orphans

I have been doing an intensive study through the Scriptures to learn more about God's heart for widows and orphans. For now, here is one such verse:

Psalm 68:5: "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."

If God defines Himself as a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows, and if you are a widow (or widower), then you are in a place of God's special grace. God has a heart for you!