When my wife died, an emotional fog descended over my brain. I don't remember many details of those days that followed. Somewhere in the fog I read or heard a piece of advice I have passed on to many others since: don't make any life-changing decisions in the weeks immediately after you lose your spouse.
It is impossible to think clearly while in the throes of emotional pain. The fog is too thick. Of course, decisions must be made about funeral services and family arrangements. When making these decisions, it is wise to lean on the advice of a trusted friend or family member.
Other decisions are best delayed for at least a couple months or more. Here are some things that I would recommend delaying:
* Childcare arrangements - You may have to make some immediate arrangements for the care of your children while you work, but perhaps you might lean on friends for those first weeks and delay any commitments to long-term childcare (e.g., daycare center, nanny, etc.).
* Financial decisions - Many widows and widowers have quickly made large financial decisions they have later regretted. Of course you should pay your bills and fulfill your debts on time. But I suggest you avoid redoing the house, making big purchases, or engaging in any financial contracts, until you are able to clearly think through the long-term ramifications of these decisions.
* Job changes - If you have a job or if you don't have a job, I would recommend staying in that situation for the first few months if you can. So much has changed in your life; learning a new job would add to your already-high stress level.
* Business decisions - If your spouse owned a business, you will eventually need to make some decisions regarding its future. If possible, you may want to delay the decision for a few months, entrusting the leadership of the business to a faithful employee in the meantime.
* Moving - I remember wanting to stay in my house to cherish the memories, yet leave the house forever to escape the pain. For the sake of my children, and to keep as much stability as possible in our family, I stayed in our home. I am thankful I did. When time came to marry again, that was the best time for us to start afresh in a new home. You too may want to stay in your current home - and current city - for a while so you maintain some sense of stability for yourself and your children.
* Relationships - It may be tempting to sever some relationships that you and your spouse had enjoyed together, because they now feel very different. It may be tempting to seek out new relationships to help fill the enormous void in your life. I would suggest you delay making any decisions that affect friendships, because it is nearly impossible to reverse these decisions later. Cherish the friends you have for now.
Many of these decisions can easily be delayed a couple months, but if you can delay most of them for at least six months, that is probably even better. Wait for the emotional fog to clear a bit so you can see down the road a little better.
If you do need to make any decisions that are unforgivingly time-dependent, I suggest you lean heavily on the advice of a few trusted friends who care for you and who have no personal interest in the outcome of the decision. A pastor or counselor or attorney may also help you think through your options and give you some helpful advice.
Remember also that the Lord is ready to help you through all of these life-changing decisions. He has a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11), and if you look to Him, He will show you the way.
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