"Why," "What If," and "If Only"

When we face a painful time like the loss of a spouse, we tend to ask a lot of big-picture questions. The question of "Why" is almost always in the forefront of our minds. Not far behind are the conditional thoughts of "What If" and "If Only." Some of these thoughts might sound like this:

* What if I had done _____?
* What if I had not done ______?
* What if my spouse had ___________?
* If only I had _______, maybe this would not have happened.
* If only _____, I might have been spared this pain.

When my wife died, my crazy analytical mind searched through all kinds of questions like these. As much as I could, I pushed them all away. The "Why" questions really could not be answered. No amount of "What If" would change the current situation: my wife had died in a horrible accident. Dwelling in "If Only" could not make her come back, nor could it alter present - even if painful - reality.

I realized that I needed to keep my thoughts grounded in reality, no matter how much I didn't like that reality. My wife had died, and I could not change that horrendous fact. Rather than dwelling on thoughts of what might have been, I knew I needed to maintain a clear head to think through the needs of each day and care for my young children. Somehow we needed to keep living each day in this new reality without my wife and their mother.

I also learned how important it was to focus my mind on some wonderful truths from the Bible (see Philippians 4:6-8). God is sovereign and in control. Even though it looks very grim right now, I know He is good and He is at work in my life. Even though I have no ability to envision this new future, I know He holds the future in His hands. He is with me right here, right now.

If we want to ask some questions when we have moments of quiet reflection, here are some good questions to ask the Lord in prayer:

* How are You at work in the midst of this situation?
* Can You please show me what You're doing in my life right now?
* What do you want me to learn through this time?
* How do You want me to respond in the midst of this pain?
* How can I lean on You for these tremendous needs I have right now?
* How can I help my children through this time?
* How can I honor You even as I am hurting so badly?

I believe the Lord delights in answering these questions when we bring them to Him in prayer. We may never find answers to the "Why" questions this side of eternity, but the Lord will definitely show us answers to the "What" and "How" questions when we humbly ask.

As we read in Philippians 4:8: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."