A Lighthouse in the Fog of Grief

Coastal areas have many lighthouses. Although better maritime technologies are employed today, it wasn't that long ago that lighthouses served as life-saving tools for sailors who were in danger of losing their way in dense fog or darkness.

As I write this, I have just learned of the sudden death of a young man I've worked closely with. Today I am struggling to think clearly in the midst of the dense fog that descends over our minds whenever we are in shock.

When we hear about the death of someone we love, whether a close friend or family member, our mind goes into a kind of self-protection mode. It takes a while to process the news and comprehend its full effect. At this moment my mind is distracted, floating between the things I'm trying to do today and the news I was not prepared to hear.

The fog is most dense when our spouse dies. Shock, denial, even bargaining with God - these are all part of the crazy experience we call "grief." In the midst of the fog, which may last for a very long time, we have to reassure ourselves that this is all a normal and natural part of the grief process.

Even more, we need a lighthouse to help us stay safe when we are lost in the fog. The best source of help comes from the Bible. Here are a few passages (out of many!) we might consider:

• Psalm 46:1-3, 10-11: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. ...'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!' The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
• Psalm 62:1: "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
• Psalm 73:25-26: "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
• Psalm 34:18: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
• Psalm 145:18: "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."

As I feel the shock of grief today, albeit much less than the grief of losing my wife almost nine years ago, I find once again that God's comforting presence and eternal truth give me strength. May you find the same lighthouse when you are in the fog of grief.

Remember the Children

When we are consumed with our grief over losing our spouse, it may be easy to overlook something very important: our children are grieving too.

Of course we know this in our minds, but is it possible we have trouble realizing it with our time and our actions?

• How do we respond when our kids ask questions about their parent who died?
• Do we give them opportunities to vent their own feelings without judgment or criticism?
• Do we let them see our expressions of grief so they know how to express their own grief in healthy ways?
• Do we recognize that fits of anger, intensive fears, and crazy emotional highs and lows may be related to their age-appropriate grief process?
• Do we patiently reminisce with them to help keep their memories alive?

My children were very young when their mother died. I spent many hours holding them on my lap and crying right along with them. I bought books about heaven and answered their questions no matter how simple or profound. I allowed them to express anger but redirected them when that anger came out in unhealthy ways. I tried to remain calm when my four-year-old wailed and flailed in long temper-tantrums. I tried not to worry when my two-year-old son regressed developmentally and refused to speak. I tried to reassure them in the midst of their overwhelming fears.

When children are a little older when they lose their parent, some different approaches may be helpful. Children do not inherently know how to express the intense emotions that come with losing a parent. Their concrete minds have trouble grasping eternity, loss, and so many abstract concepts (they're hard enough for adults to grasp!). We can give them words to help them express what they feel inside. We can let them see how we are grieving, which will help them also know their crazy emotions are okay.

Teenagers have still different issues. Being a teenager is hard enough without compounding it with pain and grief. Youth may not be as quick to seek out parents for comfort, so it is good to help them surround themselves with good friends, including some other wise adult friends, who will listen to them and point them in good directions.

At all ages, grieving children and youth may benefit from the help of a professional Christian counselor. (By the way, this is good for grieving spouses too.) A counselor will help provide words to aid the young person in expressing their emotions in productive ways. Counselors can suggest tools for many stages along the crazy road of grief. And a counselor can discern if unhealthy thoughts or emotions are developing, and can help turn those into something more positive.

I might add one more thought about counseling, especially for younger children. My children did not benefit from counseling at their very young ages. This was fine. But I kept looking for signs that it was time to reconsider counseling. As my daughter grew in age she also grew in her understanding of the devastating loss she experienced when her mother died. About age 10, she started experiencing serious flashbacks to the accident (she was in the car and saw her mother die). At this time we took her to a Christian counselor who helped her immensely. There may be more need for counseling as she grows, and we will take her when we feel it might be beneficial.

Please look for positive ways to help your children through this crazy grief process. Seek help from a Christian counselor, a pastor, or other mentors who are wise in the Scriptures and in life. With your help and the help of others like these I've suggested, your children can weather the storms of grief and continue to grow "in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man" (see Luke 2:52).

How Can I Help a Grieving Widow?

"My best friend's husband died last month, and now she is trying to find a job and take care of three young children all by herself. How can I help her?"

This is a great question to ask. When we see someone in need, we want to help, but we often don't know how. For some reason, when that someone is a younger widow or widower, the "how" can be harder to discern. And if that widow(er) simply answers our offer of help by saying they are "fine," that really stumps us.

From my own experiences, and from conversations with many other widows and widowers, here are a few ideas:

• Pray. For some crazy reason we tend to think that praying for someone is not really doing anything useful. Quite the opposite, prayer accomplishes much (see James 5:16). Pray, and then tell the widow(er) you are praying for them. Even more, give them a card in which you write out some of the specific things you are praying.
• Sit quietly and listen. The widow(er)'s mind is constantly swirling with thoughts, questions, and emotions too strong to express. Friends who will listen without judgment are precious gifts to the widow(er). Be prepared to sit patiently through long periods of silence while the widow(er)'s mind wanders through the fog of grief. 
• Help with mundane things. A younger widow or widower, especially one who is also caring for children, is overwhelmed with every aspect of life. Consider helping by taking the children to the park for a few hours, making a meal, cleaning the house, or doing a few loads of laundry. Perhaps you might help with home or car repairs. You might assist in organizing a birthday party for one of the kids. You could offer rides to school or church activities or kids' sporting events.
• Do something fun. Arrange for childcare and then take the widow(er) - along with some other close friends perhaps - out for a cup of coffee or a movie or an activity you know they will enjoy. (Take care that it doesn't look like a date.)
• Help the widow(er) and the children remember special things about their spouse/parent. Write out some of your own memories of the one who passed away. Pass along pictures and tell the stories that go with them. Even if you feel awkward talking about the person who died, the widow(er) and children don't, and those memories are treasures to them.
• Write words of encouragement. Send periodic cards to the widow(er), including handwritten thoughts or passages of Scripture. The children, too, will appreciate cards and letters. A widow(er) is flooded with cards at first, but then it seems the whole world quickly forgets. Sending a periodic card over the next two years is a valuable way to communicate, "I remember, and I care." 
• Graciously accept the words, "No, thank you." The widow(er) may genuinely appreciate your offer, but the timing is just wrong, or the momentary needs may be quite different than what you have offered. That's okay. 
• Don't give up. Even if you hear "No" a couple of times, be willing to extend the offer again a little later. 

These are just a few ideas for how you might bless your widow(er) friend. Be simple and creative as you communicate your love and care during this difficult time.