Remember the Children

When we are consumed with our grief over losing our spouse, it may be easy to overlook something very important: our children are grieving too.

Of course we know this in our minds, but is it possible we have trouble realizing it with our time and our actions?

• How do we respond when our kids ask questions about their parent who died?
• Do we give them opportunities to vent their own feelings without judgment or criticism?
• Do we let them see our expressions of grief so they know how to express their own grief in healthy ways?
• Do we recognize that fits of anger, intensive fears, and crazy emotional highs and lows may be related to their age-appropriate grief process?
• Do we patiently reminisce with them to help keep their memories alive?

My children were very young when their mother died. I spent many hours holding them on my lap and crying right along with them. I bought books about heaven and answered their questions no matter how simple or profound. I allowed them to express anger but redirected them when that anger came out in unhealthy ways. I tried to remain calm when my four-year-old wailed and flailed in long temper-tantrums. I tried not to worry when my two-year-old son regressed developmentally and refused to speak. I tried to reassure them in the midst of their overwhelming fears.

When children are a little older when they lose their parent, some different approaches may be helpful. Children do not inherently know how to express the intense emotions that come with losing a parent. Their concrete minds have trouble grasping eternity, loss, and so many abstract concepts (they're hard enough for adults to grasp!). We can give them words to help them express what they feel inside. We can let them see how we are grieving, which will help them also know their crazy emotions are okay.

Teenagers have still different issues. Being a teenager is hard enough without compounding it with pain and grief. Youth may not be as quick to seek out parents for comfort, so it is good to help them surround themselves with good friends, including some other wise adult friends, who will listen to them and point them in good directions.

At all ages, grieving children and youth may benefit from the help of a professional Christian counselor. (By the way, this is good for grieving spouses too.) A counselor will help provide words to aid the young person in expressing their emotions in productive ways. Counselors can suggest tools for many stages along the crazy road of grief. And a counselor can discern if unhealthy thoughts or emotions are developing, and can help turn those into something more positive.

I might add one more thought about counseling, especially for younger children. My children did not benefit from counseling at their very young ages. This was fine. But I kept looking for signs that it was time to reconsider counseling. As my daughter grew in age she also grew in her understanding of the devastating loss she experienced when her mother died. About age 10, she started experiencing serious flashbacks to the accident (she was in the car and saw her mother die). At this time we took her to a Christian counselor who helped her immensely. There may be more need for counseling as she grows, and we will take her when we feel it might be beneficial.

Please look for positive ways to help your children through this crazy grief process. Seek help from a Christian counselor, a pastor, or other mentors who are wise in the Scriptures and in life. With your help and the help of others like these I've suggested, your children can weather the storms of grief and continue to grow "in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man" (see Luke 2:52).