When we face a painful time like the loss of a spouse, we tend to ask a lot of big-picture questions. The question of "Why" is almost always in the forefront of our minds. Not far behind are the conditional thoughts of "What If" and "If Only." Some of these thoughts might sound like this:
* What if I had done _____?
* What if I had not done ______?
* What if my spouse had ___________?
* If only I had _______, maybe this would not have happened.
* If only _____, I might have been spared this pain.
When my wife died, my crazy analytical mind searched through all kinds of questions like these. As much as I could, I pushed them all away. The "Why" questions really could not be answered. No amount of "What If" would change the current situation: my wife had died in a horrible accident. Dwelling in "If Only" could not make her come back, nor could it alter present - even if painful - reality.
I realized that I needed to keep my thoughts grounded in reality, no matter how much I didn't like that reality. My wife had died, and I could not change that horrendous fact. Rather than dwelling on thoughts of what might have been, I knew I needed to maintain a clear head to think through the needs of each day and care for my young children. Somehow we needed to keep living each day in this new reality without my wife and their mother.
I also learned how important it was to focus my mind on some wonderful truths from the Bible (see Philippians 4:6-8). God is sovereign and in control. Even though it looks very grim right now, I know He is good and He is at work in my life. Even though I have no ability to envision this new future, I know He holds the future in His hands. He is with me right here, right now.
If we want to ask some questions when we have moments of quiet reflection, here are some good questions to ask the Lord in prayer:
* How are You at work in the midst of this situation?
* Can You please show me what You're doing in my life right now?
* What do you want me to learn through this time?
* How do You want me to respond in the midst of this pain?
* How can I lean on You for these tremendous needs I have right now?
* How can I help my children through this time?
* How can I honor You even as I am hurting so badly?
I believe the Lord delights in answering these questions when we bring them to Him in prayer. We may never find answers to the "Why" questions this side of eternity, but the Lord will definitely show us answers to the "What" and "How" questions when we humbly ask.
As we read in Philippians 4:8: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Making Life-Changing Decisions
When my wife died, an emotional fog descended over my brain. I don't remember many details of those days that followed. Somewhere in the fog I read or heard a piece of advice I have passed on to many others since: don't make any life-changing decisions in the weeks immediately after you lose your spouse.
It is impossible to think clearly while in the throes of emotional pain. The fog is too thick. Of course, decisions must be made about funeral services and family arrangements. When making these decisions, it is wise to lean on the advice of a trusted friend or family member.
Other decisions are best delayed for at least a couple months or more. Here are some things that I would recommend delaying:
* Childcare arrangements - You may have to make some immediate arrangements for the care of your children while you work, but perhaps you might lean on friends for those first weeks and delay any commitments to long-term childcare (e.g., daycare center, nanny, etc.).
* Financial decisions - Many widows and widowers have quickly made large financial decisions they have later regretted. Of course you should pay your bills and fulfill your debts on time. But I suggest you avoid redoing the house, making big purchases, or engaging in any financial contracts, until you are able to clearly think through the long-term ramifications of these decisions.
* Job changes - If you have a job or if you don't have a job, I would recommend staying in that situation for the first few months if you can. So much has changed in your life; learning a new job would add to your already-high stress level.
* Business decisions - If your spouse owned a business, you will eventually need to make some decisions regarding its future. If possible, you may want to delay the decision for a few months, entrusting the leadership of the business to a faithful employee in the meantime.
* Moving - I remember wanting to stay in my house to cherish the memories, yet leave the house forever to escape the pain. For the sake of my children, and to keep as much stability as possible in our family, I stayed in our home. I am thankful I did. When time came to marry again, that was the best time for us to start afresh in a new home. You too may want to stay in your current home - and current city - for a while so you maintain some sense of stability for yourself and your children.
* Relationships - It may be tempting to sever some relationships that you and your spouse had enjoyed together, because they now feel very different. It may be tempting to seek out new relationships to help fill the enormous void in your life. I would suggest you delay making any decisions that affect friendships, because it is nearly impossible to reverse these decisions later. Cherish the friends you have for now.
Many of these decisions can easily be delayed a couple months, but if you can delay most of them for at least six months, that is probably even better. Wait for the emotional fog to clear a bit so you can see down the road a little better.
If you do need to make any decisions that are unforgivingly time-dependent, I suggest you lean heavily on the advice of a few trusted friends who care for you and who have no personal interest in the outcome of the decision. A pastor or counselor or attorney may also help you think through your options and give you some helpful advice.
Remember also that the Lord is ready to help you through all of these life-changing decisions. He has a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11), and if you look to Him, He will show you the way.
It is impossible to think clearly while in the throes of emotional pain. The fog is too thick. Of course, decisions must be made about funeral services and family arrangements. When making these decisions, it is wise to lean on the advice of a trusted friend or family member.
Other decisions are best delayed for at least a couple months or more. Here are some things that I would recommend delaying:
* Childcare arrangements - You may have to make some immediate arrangements for the care of your children while you work, but perhaps you might lean on friends for those first weeks and delay any commitments to long-term childcare (e.g., daycare center, nanny, etc.).
* Financial decisions - Many widows and widowers have quickly made large financial decisions they have later regretted. Of course you should pay your bills and fulfill your debts on time. But I suggest you avoid redoing the house, making big purchases, or engaging in any financial contracts, until you are able to clearly think through the long-term ramifications of these decisions.
* Job changes - If you have a job or if you don't have a job, I would recommend staying in that situation for the first few months if you can. So much has changed in your life; learning a new job would add to your already-high stress level.
* Business decisions - If your spouse owned a business, you will eventually need to make some decisions regarding its future. If possible, you may want to delay the decision for a few months, entrusting the leadership of the business to a faithful employee in the meantime.
* Moving - I remember wanting to stay in my house to cherish the memories, yet leave the house forever to escape the pain. For the sake of my children, and to keep as much stability as possible in our family, I stayed in our home. I am thankful I did. When time came to marry again, that was the best time for us to start afresh in a new home. You too may want to stay in your current home - and current city - for a while so you maintain some sense of stability for yourself and your children.
* Relationships - It may be tempting to sever some relationships that you and your spouse had enjoyed together, because they now feel very different. It may be tempting to seek out new relationships to help fill the enormous void in your life. I would suggest you delay making any decisions that affect friendships, because it is nearly impossible to reverse these decisions later. Cherish the friends you have for now.
Many of these decisions can easily be delayed a couple months, but if you can delay most of them for at least six months, that is probably even better. Wait for the emotional fog to clear a bit so you can see down the road a little better.
If you do need to make any decisions that are unforgivingly time-dependent, I suggest you lean heavily on the advice of a few trusted friends who care for you and who have no personal interest in the outcome of the decision. A pastor or counselor or attorney may also help you think through your options and give you some helpful advice.
Remember also that the Lord is ready to help you through all of these life-changing decisions. He has a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11), and if you look to Him, He will show you the way.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
The Choice: Turn Away from God or Turn Toward Him?
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When we face hard times we each have a choice: Will I turn away from God, full of anger that He would allow this painful event in my life, or will I turn toward God, trusting Him to help me through?
Here are some Bible verses we might consider:
*Hebrews 4:14-16, esp. 16
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.*Matthew 11:28-30 (Jesus is speaking here)
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."*Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.*Psalm 9:9-10
The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.
In times of extreme pain, our best choice is to turn toward the Lord in faith and trust. Even when we don't understand the painful circumstances we are experiencing, we can trust in the sovereignty and goodness of God.
After all, if God is the best Source of help in times of trouble, why would I want to cut myself off from Him by running the other way? I choose to run to Him and seek His peace and strength and help.
What is your choice?
Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com
Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Friday, June 15, 2012
Praying for a Double Portion
The night my wife died, I lay in bed hoping for sleep that never really came. Among the thousands of thoughts in my head, I realized that the one I had turned to most for parenting wisdom was my wife; the one the children turned to most for love and nurture was my wife. Now she was gone, and I deeply feared the impact that would have on my young children (then ages three and one). Feeling inadequate to love and parent these children well I prayed, "Lord, please give me a double portion of love and a double portion of wisdom."
I repeated that prayer a number of times through the months that followed, and I know the Lord answered most wonderfully. I was filled with a deep love for my children, even deeper than I had had before. And God granted wisdom not all at once, but moment by moment during the quick parenting decisions that have to be made many times each day.
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Turn to Him and see the wonderful ways He will meet your every need.
I repeated that prayer a number of times through the months that followed, and I know the Lord answered most wonderfully. I was filled with a deep love for my children, even deeper than I had had before. And God granted wisdom not all at once, but moment by moment during the quick parenting decisions that have to be made many times each day.
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Turn to Him and see the wonderful ways He will meet your every need.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Resources I'd Recommend
Here are some resources I'd recommend to widows and widowers. There are many resources available, and I am familiar with only a portion of them; this is not meant to be a complete listing of everything available, but just a few resources I would personally recommend based on my own research and experiences.
As of this writing in June 2012, I will declare this list is "in process" and will be revised/updated as I research a number of resources and pass along to you the best ones I find. Please check back regularly to find updates, or better yet, sign up for e-mail updates at the right side of this page so you are the first to hear about each post or revision on Help for Widows and Widowers.
Book titles below will include a link to Amazon.com, but you could find most through Barnes & Noble or Christian Book Distributors, or at your local Christian bookstore.
All external links on this page will open a new window so you can easily return to this blog as you peruse resources. [Please let me know if you find that one of these links is broken.]
If you want to suggest to me some resources you have found helpful, please email me.
With that introduction, here is a list of resources you might consider:
Grief
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
Good Grief, Granger Westberg
GriefShare.org - This is a video series shown in GriefShare support groups, and it has very good material. This website will help you find a group near you.
Helping Children (for adults to read)
When Children Grieve - NOTE: This is not a "Christian" book, but it is very helpful in understanding how we can help children who are grieving
Books for Children (for children to read or for adults to read to children)
What About Heaven? - NOTE: My young children loved having me read this to them over and over
Heaven
Heaven, Randy Alcorn
In Light of Eternity, Randy Alcorn (a condensed version of his material in the Heaven book)
Heaven - for Kids, Randy Alcorn (older children can gain a lot from this simplified version)
As of this writing in June 2012, I will declare this list is "in process" and will be revised/updated as I research a number of resources and pass along to you the best ones I find. Please check back regularly to find updates, or better yet, sign up for e-mail updates at the right side of this page so you are the first to hear about each post or revision on Help for Widows and Widowers.
Book titles below will include a link to Amazon.com, but you could find most through Barnes & Noble or Christian Book Distributors, or at your local Christian bookstore.
All external links on this page will open a new window so you can easily return to this blog as you peruse resources. [Please let me know if you find that one of these links is broken.]
If you want to suggest to me some resources you have found helpful, please email me.
_____
Grief
Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright
Good Grief, Granger Westberg
GriefShare.org - This is a video series shown in GriefShare support groups, and it has very good material. This website will help you find a group near you.
Helping Children (for adults to read)
When Children Grieve - NOTE: This is not a "Christian" book, but it is very helpful in understanding how we can help children who are grieving
Books for Children (for children to read or for adults to read to children)
What About Heaven? - NOTE: My young children loved having me read this to them over and over
Heaven
Heaven, Randy Alcorn
In Light of Eternity, Randy Alcorn (a condensed version of his material in the Heaven book)
Heaven - for Kids, Randy Alcorn (older children can gain a lot from this simplified version)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
His Mercies are New Every Morning
In the midst of a passage of mourning, we read these words of hope in Lamentations 3:21-26:
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.In the midst of our morning, we can take comfort in these words. God's mercies are new every morning. We can hope in Him. He is good, and we can trust Him. Will you turn to Him even in your darkest moments?
It's Not the End of the Book
When we are in the throes of grief, it may seem that life has ended. Everything has changed, and without our permission. It's a dark place to be, and in that dark place, our fears and insecurities threaten to swallow us up.
Please allow me to speak a few words of truth. Life for you has not ended. Your dearest loved one has died, but you are still alive. There is still a purpose and plan for your life. Although your life has changed completely, this is not the end of the book - it's just a new chapter.
In Psalm 62:1-2 and 5-8 we read these words:
Please allow me to speak a few words of truth. Life for you has not ended. Your dearest loved one has died, but you are still alive. There is still a purpose and plan for your life. Although your life has changed completely, this is not the end of the book - it's just a new chapter.
In Psalm 62:1-2 and 5-8 we read these words:
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. ...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.During this time, turn to the Lord. He will give you strength. He will give you peace. He will give you hope for the future.
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