Getting Through the Funeral

A funeral service is a time to remember the life of the person who passed away, celebrate some of the memories that are particularly special, and find comfort from our family and friends who gather with us. Funerals give us time to say a final "Goodbye" and move just a little closer to accepting the unwelcome reality that the person is truly gone.

Funeral services bring an overwhelming mix of emotions like these:

• Sadness - part of coming to grips with the loss
• Anger - part of reacting to this tremendous emotional pain
• Uncertainty - questions of "what now?"
• Peace and joy - if we believe our loved one is now in heaven
• Relief - if you have been caring for a sick spouse, death can bring a sense of relief that the work of helping them is now at an end
• Guilt - over things not said or other such missed opportunities

These are just a few of the ingredients in the "emotional stew" at the time of the funeral. I liken it to stew because you can see the separate ingredients, yet they all blend together.

One important thing to keep in mind through this time is this: everyone is grieving, though the mix of emotions for one person will be different that those of another. In times like this people may say or do strange things. If family relationships are already tense, a funeral usually exacerbates that tension. A person may say angry words that they would never say under normal circumstances. One person's emotions explode and hurt others who are dealing with their own emotions. 

As the funeral approaches, I would encourage you to...

• Use this time to draw together with family and support each other
• Set aside past family tensions to help each other in this moment
• Allow people to help you, from gathering pictures to making meals to watching your children
• Show grace to yourself for all the emotions you feel and the strange things you may say or do during this high-stress time
• Show grace to others for the same things
• Avoid making decisions that are not essential to the current day or week

Try to put aside anything that can wait until after the funeral is over. During the days leading up to the funeral don't dwell on issues like finances or jobs. Don't worry about what kind of relationship you will now have with your parents-in-law. Set aside these kinds of issues and then face them one by one over the next month (or longer). 

For now, just allow yourself time to grieve.

Does God Care?

In the midst of the challenges of life, we may sometimes doubt the goodness of God. Does He really care? How can I know?

First, we can read the precious promises of His Word. 

• Nahum 1:7: The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.  
• 1 Peter 5:7: [Cast] all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
• Matthew 28:20b: "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
• Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Second, we can celebrate that He sent Jesus so we could have a relationship with Him. This is God's greatest expression of love for us!

• 1 John 4:10: In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son....
• 1 John 5:11: And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

Third, we can remember what God has done in the past.

• Psalm 77:11: I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

When we have a hard time seeing what God is doing, the fault is not in God's activities, but in our perceptions. In those times we can ask Him to open our eyes to how He is working, and He will help us see that He loves us, He cares for us, and He is always at work.

Fighting FEAR with FAITH

In an earlier blog post I shared some of my experiences with fear. In meeting with other widows and widowers over the years, I find that fear is a very common battle, especially after losing a spouse. In this post I want to suggest some thoughts to help us fight FEAR with FAITH.

Perhaps simple acronyms will help us. Let's first look at FEAR.

• F is for Flight. When we are fearful we are likely to flee from any situation that we fear. In the process we tend to pull back from healthy friendships and activities, and that leads us down a lonely path.
• E is for Error. In a state of fear we begin to think in strange and unhealthy ways. We imagine worst case scenarios and dwell on negative "what ifs." We may even be able to identify that a particular thought process is unreasonable or even absurd, but that doesn't necessarily remove the resulting fear.
• A is for Anxiety. We feel anxious about our own safety, or the safety of people we love, and that makes it seem wiser to withdraw into perceived safety than to step out and take reasonable risks or even engage in normal daily activities.
• R is for Reaction. Instead of deciding on the best course of action, we get into a pattern of reacting to our emotional state or to perceived threats. These reactive decisions often lead us in negative directions.

How can we fight FEAR? With FAITH.

• F is for Family and Friends. We can tell a couple close people about our struggles and ask them to pray for us. We can ask someone to be with us at times when we feel most lonely or most vulnerable. Without relationships like these we can tend to withdraw into a shell of loneliness, which only increases fear rather than overcoming it.
• A is for Activity. Fear threatens to paralyze us. We can counter this by finding something active and enjoyable to do. Go to church. Meet a friend for coffee. Attend a show at a local theater. Take a short trip to see a beautiful place. Visit a park or a lake and spend a couple hours enjoying God's creation.
• I is for Insight. We can counter our fears with essential Truth from God's Word. Here are some verses on which we can meditate:

               Philippians 4:4-9
               Psalm 56:3-4
               Psalm 27:1
               Psalm 118:5-6
               John 14:27
               John 16:33
               Romans 8:15
               2 Timothy 1:7
               1 John 4:18

• T is for Truth. In addition to the truth of God's Word, we can counter our fears with other truths from life. It is statistically improbable that our car will be stolen our our house invaded. It is extremely unlikely that I will be mugged on a suburban street or attacked while sitting in my church. We can let these simple truths overshadow erroneous thoughts and their affiliated fears.
• H is for Health. We want to eat healthily, sleep adequately, and find some form of exercise we enjoy. For starters, we can take a short walk every day. When we take care of our physical bodies, that helps our mental and emotional health as well.

You might point out that fear is an emotion, and it is difficult to counter emotion with reason. This is partially true, but the Word of God gives us many commands about our emotions: Love one another (John 13:34-35); rejoice always (1 Thessalonians 5:16, Philippians 4:4); be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18, Colossians 3:15). And the Bible tells us to fear not (John 14:27). So to an important degree, God calls us to control our emotions. And He gives us the power to do so through the Holy Spirit.

You might find that this is overly simplistic. Perhaps so. I admit that some fears are so intense or complex that they are hard to understand, much less fight. Yet I also know that the Lord doesn't want us trapped in our fears, so maybe these simplistic steps will help us at least to begin the process of overcoming fears in our lives.

Are you ready to fight FEAR with FAITH?

The Long Break, and the Joys and Challenges of Adoption

Perhaps you've noticed that my blogs have been a bit quiet lately. For this I do apologize, and hope you'll allow me to explain this long break.

My wife and I have recently adopted an eleven-year-old son, and are working diligently to integrate him into our family that includes three other children. We know the Lord has led us down this path, but the way is filled with joys and challenges.

God doesn't call us to follow the easy path; He calls us to follow the path that He will bless.

We are embracing the joys and challenges, but in order to focus on my family I have stepped back from writing for the last several months. I continue to serve the pastoral role to which the Lord has called me. Now, from this point forward, I plan to resume my semi-regular blogging. My goal remains the same: "Relating biblical truth to everyday life, to draw people closer to Christ."

God's blessings to you. I'll write more soon.

How Can I Help?

I want my written words to bless and help people, to meet people at their point of need. What questions or needs do you have that I might be able to address in a forthcoming book or on this blog? Please comment below.

Differences in Grief Experiences

For my forthcoming book for widows and widowers, I'm writing a section that examines various factors that contribute to the wide range of grief experiences we face. As I'm working on my list, I wonder if you might help me define some additional factors that I can include in my list.

To explain a bit further, it's obvious that there are some similarities in people's experiences of grief. Everyone deals with stages of sadness, anger, and fear. Everyone faces some level of depression. Everyone who has lost as spouse has spent some time evaluating the marriage and thinking through things that might have been done differently. These commonalities in grief are helpful to examine, which I do in the pages of my book.

But I also want to explore why grief experiences are so vastly different among widows and widowers. Your grief is not like my grief, nor like anyone else's. What contributes to this? Here is my list, currently "in progress."

A) Differences based on the nature of the marriage relationship. Were husband and wife very close, or were they more distant - maybe even conflictive - with one another? Were they married a few months, a few years, or a few decades? What roles (finance, household duties, childcare, etc.) did the other spouse assume, which now fall to the widow(er)? Were there unresolved marital issues that now weigh heavily on the widow(er)?

B) Differences based on the current life situation. Are the children young, teen-aged, or grown and out of the house? Does the widow(er) live with financial security or financial uncertainty? Were husband and wife retired or just starting out in life? Does the widow(er) have family members who live nearby and can provide helpful support? Does the widow(er) have good friends to talk with or ask for help?

C) Differences based on the nature of the spouse's death. Was it a sudden accident that didn't allow any time to prepare, or was it a long illness that allowed some time to grieve even before the point of death? Was there some kind of injustice involved in the death (murder, accident that was someone else's fault, medical mistake)? Was the death due to suicide?

D) Differences based on faith in God. Does the widow(er) believe that God can help them through the difficult days of grief? Does the widow(er) believe in the Bible's descriptions of heaven? Does the widow(er) feel certainty that their spouse is in heaven, or is there some doubt about where their spouse may be?

I'm sure there are other factors that affect each person's individual experience of grief. Please give some brief feedback about other things I might include in this section of my book. Thanks so much!

Grief as a Line

I'm developing an illustration, and I'd love to hear YOUR feedback below.

I'm thinking about the time it takes to grieve, and how it varies from person to person based on a wide range of factors. I'm a visual person, so I'm trying to develop a way to describe these variations visually.

Let's visualize the "grief process" as a line. At some point on that line is the point of death. However, death may not be at the beginning of the line. When a woman learns that her husband has only a few months to live, she really begins that process of grieving even before his life ends; she starts to work through the shock and the anger as she comes to grips with the reality of his imminent passing.

Still, "death" is a definite point somewhere on the line. But for the woman mentioned in this example, she has already started grieving, so it may take her a shorter period of time to reach the end of that grief journey.

However, for someone who loses a spouse to an accident, he or she has no advance time to begin grieving. The point of "death" is at the beginning of the line, and for these people, the grief journey often takes quite a bit longer. This was definitely true in my own experience.

Then I think of an older man whose wife died a long, slow, death due to cancer. He was ready to remarry just a few months later, because he had already done most of his grieving while his wife lay in hospice care. His adult children, however, were still grappling with their own grief, and felt unprepared when their father announced he was ready to remarry. Every person in the family was grieving; they were just in different places on the line of grief.

To further this illustration, I think of things which may make the line longer or shorter. If a couple is very young, that lengthens the line because there is additional grief over the death of the future. If an injustice has led to a death, that often lengthens the grief process. If a couple has had unresolved issues, or financial difficulties, the grief process may be longer because of the other emotions that arise. Yet on the other hand, if a couple has lived a long life and has felt prepared for the point in which one of their lives would end, the line might be shorter. If a person feels certain their loved one is now in heaven, that sense of peace may make the line a little shorter. If a widow(er) trusts that their future is secure in God's hands, that often shortens the process of grief a little bit.

Part of why I'm grappling with this illustration is that I counsel a number of people who wonder, "Is what I'm going through 'normal'?" When it comes to grief, there are so many absurdities that we almost always feel that something must be "wrong" or that we're not grieving "normally." I have used this visual of a line with a few widows and widowers, and have found that it helps illustrate why people's grief journeys are all different, and why there is very little way to compare one person's grief with another.

So please tell me...does this illustration help you visualize grief a little better? Do you have suggestions for how I might sharpen this visual image so it can become even more helpful?

Curves and Switchbacks

One summer I took my family to Pike's Peak in Colorado. Our van had a wonderful compass to tell us which way we were going, and that compass had helped us a lot up to that point in our two-week trip.


The road up to Pike's Peak is full of sharp curves, switchbacks, and steep drops off the side of the road. Along the way up the mountain we noticed that the compass was desperately trying to keep up, but by the time it caught up, we were already rounding the next curve, and it was suddenly displaying the wrong direction.

In some ways, the grief process can be like this. There are various "stages" of grief, but a grieving widow(er) will move back and forth through these stages at unpredictable moments. Our mental compass cannot keep up with the curves and switchbacks along the crazy road of grief.

Sudden flashes of anger. Bursting into tears in the middle of the grocery store. Overwhelming and unexplainable moments of fear. Wondering if maybe this is all a bad dream and your spouse will suddenly show up alive and well. Grief brings a crazy mix of unpredictable emotions!

Sometimes we just have to hang on through the strange and unpredictable ride. I would offer you these words of comfort: You're not going crazy - you're grieving.

Help! I'm Exhausted!

I am by myself right now with my two kiddos, ages 6 and 2. Sometimes I feel so drained from having to be the only one to care for them nonstop all day, every day. Do you have any tips?

A young woman I know sent me this question because she knew I had single-parented two young children for two and a half years. Although her situation is different - her husband is deployed for a year overseas - the net result is the same: she is single-handedly taking care of her house and her kids. Indeed there are many people in similar situations.

I wrote these words to encourage her:

I feel for you! It's very hard to single-parent. I remember most nights just collapsing into bed exhausted, choosing to ignore the dirty dishes and the sheets that hadn't been washed for more than a month. It is truly draining, so please don't think something's wrong if you are constantly tired or overwhelmingly behind. That's just normal.

It's all about choosing the things that are most important. Pay the bills on time. Cook healthy meals. Keep things as clean as possible. Keep the laundry up-to-date. These things are essential to life.

However, you may not have time to make scrapbooks, respond to every e-mail, go to every church or school event, or other things you think you "should" do. Choose what's most important and don't feel guilty about the things you cannot do right now.

You can ask for help for some things. For example, you might hire a friend (and pay them well) to clean your house top-to-bottom once a month.

There are several things I did that simplified life:
* I bought my son all one kind of sock and my daughter all another kind. That made sorting and folding clean socks a simple task.
* I gave away all clothing items that needed to be ironed. I didn't have time or patience to iron.
* I put away the kids' clothes in a way that they could easily choose their own outfits. Matching shirts/pants sets were folded together. "Play Clothes" were put in a separate drawer from "good clothes."
* I bought a chest freezer and purchased food in bulk. I maintained a good quantity of quick-prepare (healthy) dinners, frozen veggies, and other food standards (ground beef, chicken, etc.).
* I stocked ahead on household items that, if we ran out, would require me to go to the store in an "emergency." I didn't want such emergencies to force me to squeeze a store trip into a very busy day. I made sure I was always well-stocked on things like milk, bread, cereal, kids' favorite snacks, toilet paper, laundry detergent, and basic medicines.
* I learned the art of crock-pot cooking.
* I learned the value of preparing a meal in a quantity for three nights, and then freezing two nights' worth to use at a later date.
* I changed my hairstyle and my kids' hairstyles to something I could cut by myself at home and not have to spend time styling in the mornings.
* I bought a flexible shower hose/head that attached to the bathtub spigot. That made it easier to rinse the kids off after a bath, but I could also focus the water so it didn't get in their faces.
* I chose to splurge on Clorox Wipes, Swiffer dusters, and other things that made cleaning as quick and painless as possible. There are times to be frugal with money, but there are also times we need to be frugal with our time, and in this case, it was worth spending the extra money to save precious time.

These are just a few ideas to start you out.

Single-parenting is very hard, but you can do it. Keep pressing on! God's grace and strength to you!

FREE BOOK!

I am giving away my newest novel on Amazon.com today and tomorrow (Dec. 8-9). Please help spread the word.

Christmas Hope - A Short Novel










My other novel is only $1.99: Christmas for the Family - A Short Novel











May these books bless and encourage you!

Christmas Hope - A Short Novel

I'd like to announce the publication of my second e-book, just in time for Christmas!

Christmas Hope - A Short Novel is now available through Amazon.com.

Here's the summary:

Not everyone is able to have a "Merry" Christmas. The Nelson family is about to learn this in a very personal way.

Tom, Jackie, Erin, and John Nelson are a typical modern family. As Christmas approaches, they have plans for a big family celebration, with fun gifts and even a cruise vacation beginning the day after Christmas.

Then tragedy strikes and everything changes.

In the midst of their struggles, Tom and Jackie seek counsel from their Christian neighbors, Matt and Annie Tyler. Will the Nelsons find the hope they desperately need?

Even if you don't have a Kindle device, you can download the Kindle Reader program for free to any computer, or download the Kindle app to your mobile device.

Click HERE to view this book on Amazon.com or to purchase a copy for yourself.

Am I ready to remarry?

My wife died last year. How long should I wait until I remarry?

This is a great question. I asked it when I was in that situation, and I have discussed this with many other widow(er)s since then. That said, I might suggest that it's not quite the right question to ask. In truth, there is no prescribed time period before we're ready to marry again.

So to help any widow(er) determine their own readiness for remarriage, I recommend asking questions like these (in no particular order):

* Am I remarrying just to gain a housekeeper or a nanny?
* When I look at this person, am I loving her for who she is, or am I comparing her to my wife who died?
* Are my children ready to embrace a new parent?
* Am I looking for someone to provide a sense of financial security?
* Am I looking for a wife to meet certain needs, provide some level of stability, or otherwise meet a need that God alone should meet?
* Am I looking for someone to help meet my physical desires only?
* Why do I love this person? Are those reasons related to the unique person he/she is?
* What has been my grief process? Did I start grieving before my spouse died (e.g., he was sick for a long time so I began grieving even before the disease took his life)? Or did I start grieving all at once due to a catastrophic circumstance (e.g., some kind of accident)?
* What do other wise people suggest for me about this potential relationship?
* Is this other person entering into the relationship with their eyes open to the joys and the challenges of blending a family?
* If this person says "no," how will I react?
* What are my fears about starting a new marriage?
* What are my fears about remaining single for a while longer?
* Am I spending my thoughts more on my first spouse or on this new person?

Just as we want to marry for the right reasons, we also want to remarry for the right reasons. I hope these questions might help you discern whether you are ready to consider remarriage.

I welcome any comments you may have. Please share your thoughts below.

He Sees You

It was an ordinary day in the Temple. Scribes, Chief Priests, and Sadducees were trying to trap Jesus into saying something for which they could arrest Him. As always, He perceived their hearts and answered in ways that left them speechless.

Elsewhere I the temple people were bringing their monetary gifts into the treasury. Then it happened. A poor widow lovingly placed her gift into the treasury. Any other day, she would have come, deposited her tiny gift, and left - without being noticed by anyone else. But on this day something very special happened.

Jesus saw her. And he saw not just her physical appearance - He saw her heart, and the faith with which she deposited "all that she had to live on" (Luke 21:4). Of all the people in the Temple that day, Jesus noticed this poor widow and her gift given out of her incredible faith.

We do not know from scripture whether this widow ever knew that Jesus noticed her. But we certainly read Jesus's reaction. He saw her and He told everyone to follow her example of faith.

Very often we might tend to feel lonely. Especially when our spouse is gone, we go through times in which we wonder if anyone notices us or cares about us. Please read these words carefully: God sees you. He notices you. He knows your heart. He loves you. He is watching out for you.

A widow 2000 years ago or a widow(er) today: Jesus sees. He sees you. You are not alone.

Will you rest in that knowledge today?

Psalm 23:4 - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…." God is with you. May He fill you with grace and peace today.

Free Resources from Whitaker Writings

I have a number of free resources available on my main website, www.whitakerwritings.com.

Click HERE to find some free articles that might encourage you today.

Click HERE to listen to some sermons I've preached.

Click HERE to listen to a seminar I gave a couple of years ago, "Handling Hardship with Hope." On that page I have also included pdf files of the handouts I prepared for that workshop.

May these resources bless and encourage you today!

October 25

Exactly nine years ago today, Cynthia Whitaker passed from this life into eternity. The car accident was so violent that she died before any emergency personnel arrived.**

Amid the feelings of shock and grief, I was so thankful to know that Cyndi followed Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. She had a personal relationship with Christ. Because of this, I knew she was in heaven, and that she was full of peace and joy like she had never known on this earth. At times I was almost jealous that she got there first, but I'm sure I'll be there in 50 years or so, because I too have given my life to Jesus. In the meantime, I will continue to show great love to my dear wife Kristin and our three growing children (all of whom have also given their lives to Jesus).

Dear reader, I wish I could speak with you face-to-face so you could look me in the eye and see the deep sincerity with which I communicate these words: Life is precious and life is short. We never know when our earthly life will end. I pray that you, too, have given your heart to Jesus Christ. You never know when your earthly days will end, so it's not something you want to put off until "a more convenient time." How about now?

I like to explain the steps very simply, using the letters A-B-C-D:
*A - ADMIT you are a sinner. If you've ever told a lie or taken something that wasn't yours, that makes you a sinner. The Bible tells us we are ALL sinners: "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).
*B - BELIEVE that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23).
*C - CONFESS that Jesus is your Savior. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved" (Romans 10:9-10).
*D - DEPART from the sinful things you have been doing. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

If you want to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, you can pray a simple prayer like this: "Dear Father, I know I am a sinner. I believe that You sent Jesus Christ into the world to save people from their sins. I ask You now to forgive my sins. I want to turn away from my sin and follow Your way. I want Jesus to be my Savior and Lord. Thank you for showing Your great love for me. Amen."

If you prayed that prayer with all the sincerity of your heart, then you are now a follower of Jesus Christ. I urge you to find a good church that teaches the Bible every week, and start spending time with other people who follow Christ. I encourage you to start reading the Bible - perhaps you might start with reading the gospel of John - to learn more about the God of the universe and His Son, Jesus Christ.

We never know when our earthly days will end. Cyndi didn't know that October 25, 2003, would be her last day on this earth. She had no way to know that she would die at the age of 30. But she was ready to meet her Savior.

Are you?
__________________

**If you're interested in reading more of my personal story, you can read it in two parts (click these links to pull up each post):
Part 1
Part 2

"How can I survive on my own?"

When our spouse dies, one of our first questions is probably this: "How can I survive on my own?" For the years we were married, we leaned on our spouse for comfort and encouragement. We laughed together and cried together. We argued occasionally, but we came out together fighting on the same team. We faced challenges together, drawing strength from one another to overcome any obstacle. We honed one another's ideas and helped each other become better, wiser people.

When my wife died, I remember feeling incomplete. Almost immediately I missed her wisdom in making decisions regarding the house or the children. I missed being able to share good things from my workday. I craved her listening ear and her encouraging words when I had a bad day. I missed hearing her own stories about the day.

On top of that I faced fears about how I could survive the day-to-day practical needs of life all by myself. I had to care for two preschool-aged children. I had to cook and clean and pay the bills without any help. Going to the store, buying clothes for the kids, fixing things around the house, making big decisions - in every area I missed the help of my wife, my partner, my best friend.

I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I wondered how I could possibly survive.

Can you relate?

Through that time I did three things that helped tremendously:

1) I took comfort in the constant presence of God. Many scripture passages remind us of God's presence, but for now I'll share just one from Isaiah 41:10: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2) I simplified my life as much as possible. I developed hairstyles for myself and my children that I could cut and style without having to go to a professional. I bought all the same kind of socks - one style for my daughter and another style for my son - to save the time and frustration of sorting socks in the laundry. I developed a bill-paying system I could easily follow so I wouldn't miss a payment. I bought a chest freezer so I could bulk-buy meats, vegetables, and easy-to-prepare dinners.

3) I gratefully accepted the gracious help of others. People generously offered us home-cooked meals, childcare, play dates with their own kids, rides to school or church, and hand-me-down clothes. People were not offending my sense of independence; they were genuinely trying to help me during a time I most needed help. I am glad I humbled myself and accepted their help, praying there might be a day I could pass the blessing on to others who might be need similar help in the future.

If you have recently lost your spouse, please know that you CAN survive this time. Accept the generous offers of help from family or friends. Find ways to simplify daily tasks so they are manageable. And above all, rest in the constant presence of our faithful Lord. He is with you even now. As you look to Him, He will fill you with peace and provide for your every need.

Being Honest, No Matter How Much it Hurts

My young children asked many questions in the days and weeks following their mother's death. Actually, they asked some of the same questions over and over.

-"Where is Mommy?"
-"Why did she go?"
-"When is she coming back?"
-"Can I go to see her?"
-"Can we talk to her?"
-"Where is heaven?"
-"Will Jesus send her back?"
-"Will you go to heaven too and never come back?"

These questions hurt to hear, and hurt even more to answer. It was challenging to deal with their sincere questions using language and concepts a preschooler could understand.

From the time my children were born I had determined I would always tell them the truth. I never played games about Santa Claus or other mythical characters. I wanted my children always to know that we as their parents would tell them the truth, or we would honestly let them know that we could not answer a particular question if they inquired about something we could not or should not tell them.

So after my wife died I fumbled through trying to answer their painfully penetrating questions. They deserved honest answers, but how can a three-year-old understand abstract concepts like "death" and "heaven"?

As hard as it was, I answered every question as simply as I could, using brief but honest answers.

-"Mommy is with Jesus in heaven."
-"Mommy had too many boo-boos from the car accident."
-"Mommy is not coming back. She loves you very much, but when someone goes to heaven, they stay there forever."
-"One day you can go see her, but I think it will be years and years from now."
-"Maybe we can pray to God and ask Him to give her a message."
-"I'm not really sure where heaven is, but I know from the Bible it is a wonderful place, full of joy. Mommy is happier than she has ever been. She doesn't have any more boo-boos. The best part about heaven is that Jesus is there."
-"No, Jesus will not send Mommy back. I know Mommy loves you and Jesus loves you, and I know Jesus will watch over us always."
-"One day I will go to heaven too, but I think that will be a long, long time from now, after you're all grown up and have children of your own."


I didn't want to promise that something wouldn't happen to me (I cannot control that), but I wanted to allay their fears that I might die too. I didn't want them to confuse praying to God with talking to Mommy, so we prayed to God and asked Him to say "Hi" to Mommy. I knew they couldn't visualize heaven well (that's hard enough for adults), but I wanted them to know it is a wonderful place where Mommy is full of joy, and that one day we would be reunited in heaven.

When I answered my kids' questions, I let them see my own tears of grief. We held each other tightly and cried together over how much we missed Mommy.

Even though it is hard, please answer the questions your children ask with full honesty, no matter how much it hurts. If you don't know some of the answers to your children's questions, please take time to ask a pastor or a Christian counselor for some helpful answers. Read the Bible to get good information about heaven. Read some good books to help clarify your own thoughts (see the "Recommended Resources" page on this blog).

And remember the Lord cares deeply for you and your children. He will help you and them grow in your understanding and your faith as you seek Him together.

That Dreaded Question

"How are you doing?"

In our culture, people frequently ask this question as an all-purpose greeting, yet they seldom expect to hear more than a one- or two-word answer (if anything). Sometimes people ask this question with a sincere desire to hear more, and this is much better.

Personally, I've never really liked the question, especially when it's asked in a half-hearted manner. When my wife died, I began to dread this question much more. Yet many people I know and love asked, and sincerely wondered, how I was doing as I grieved the loss of my wife. Many e-mails and conversations included this question. To be honest, it always flustered me. Each time someone asked how I was doing, my mind swirled with thoughts like these:

• Does this person have time and patience to hear how I'm really doing?
• How close of a friend is this person, and how much am I comfortable sharing?
• Should I just tell a lie and say I'm fine when I really don't feel fine?
• If I answer "hurting" or "falling apart," is this person able to handle that?

Early in my grief process, I had trouble answering that dreaded question. I never doubted the love and concern shown by my good friends - and I appreciated their care very much. But I was unsure about how much I could or should share with them in those moments.

I finally found a way to answer briefly, truthfully, and appropriately. I could honestly answer, "I'm doing okay," or something similar, knowing that I was resting in the Lord's care, and that because of His grace and strength I was truly okay.

This brief answer enabled me to respond to the common greeting without emotionally falling apart or sharing far more than the person was ready to hear. Many of my friends and acquaintances were satisfied with such a brief answer. Others paused to show they were willing to hear more if I wanted to share, and this began many wonderful conversations during which my friends encouraged me a great deal.

If you're grieving, you may want to find a similar way to answer questions. Everyone who asks is probably well-intentioned, but maybe only a few are truly able to handle your grief-filled answers and gut-level honesty. You will want to choose wisely how and to whom you give more detailed responses.

And remember, because of God's sovereignty and goodness, you really are "fine." God is near to the brokenhearted (see Psalm 34:18). Even on the days when you lack peace and hope, you can know you're okay in His hands.

A Lighthouse in the Fog of Grief

Coastal areas have many lighthouses. Although better maritime technologies are employed today, it wasn't that long ago that lighthouses served as life-saving tools for sailors who were in danger of losing their way in dense fog or darkness.

As I write this, I have just learned of the sudden death of a young man I've worked closely with. Today I am struggling to think clearly in the midst of the dense fog that descends over our minds whenever we are in shock.

When we hear about the death of someone we love, whether a close friend or family member, our mind goes into a kind of self-protection mode. It takes a while to process the news and comprehend its full effect. At this moment my mind is distracted, floating between the things I'm trying to do today and the news I was not prepared to hear.

The fog is most dense when our spouse dies. Shock, denial, even bargaining with God - these are all part of the crazy experience we call "grief." In the midst of the fog, which may last for a very long time, we have to reassure ourselves that this is all a normal and natural part of the grief process.

Even more, we need a lighthouse to help us stay safe when we are lost in the fog. The best source of help comes from the Bible. Here are a few passages (out of many!) we might consider:

• Psalm 46:1-3, 10-11: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. ...'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!' The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
• Psalm 62:1: "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
• Psalm 73:25-26: "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
• Psalm 34:18: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
• Psalm 145:18: "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."

As I feel the shock of grief today, albeit much less than the grief of losing my wife almost nine years ago, I find once again that God's comforting presence and eternal truth give me strength. May you find the same lighthouse when you are in the fog of grief.

Remember the Children

When we are consumed with our grief over losing our spouse, it may be easy to overlook something very important: our children are grieving too.

Of course we know this in our minds, but is it possible we have trouble realizing it with our time and our actions?

• How do we respond when our kids ask questions about their parent who died?
• Do we give them opportunities to vent their own feelings without judgment or criticism?
• Do we let them see our expressions of grief so they know how to express their own grief in healthy ways?
• Do we recognize that fits of anger, intensive fears, and crazy emotional highs and lows may be related to their age-appropriate grief process?
• Do we patiently reminisce with them to help keep their memories alive?

My children were very young when their mother died. I spent many hours holding them on my lap and crying right along with them. I bought books about heaven and answered their questions no matter how simple or profound. I allowed them to express anger but redirected them when that anger came out in unhealthy ways. I tried to remain calm when my four-year-old wailed and flailed in long temper-tantrums. I tried not to worry when my two-year-old son regressed developmentally and refused to speak. I tried to reassure them in the midst of their overwhelming fears.

When children are a little older when they lose their parent, some different approaches may be helpful. Children do not inherently know how to express the intense emotions that come with losing a parent. Their concrete minds have trouble grasping eternity, loss, and so many abstract concepts (they're hard enough for adults to grasp!). We can give them words to help them express what they feel inside. We can let them see how we are grieving, which will help them also know their crazy emotions are okay.

Teenagers have still different issues. Being a teenager is hard enough without compounding it with pain and grief. Youth may not be as quick to seek out parents for comfort, so it is good to help them surround themselves with good friends, including some other wise adult friends, who will listen to them and point them in good directions.

At all ages, grieving children and youth may benefit from the help of a professional Christian counselor. (By the way, this is good for grieving spouses too.) A counselor will help provide words to aid the young person in expressing their emotions in productive ways. Counselors can suggest tools for many stages along the crazy road of grief. And a counselor can discern if unhealthy thoughts or emotions are developing, and can help turn those into something more positive.

I might add one more thought about counseling, especially for younger children. My children did not benefit from counseling at their very young ages. This was fine. But I kept looking for signs that it was time to reconsider counseling. As my daughter grew in age she also grew in her understanding of the devastating loss she experienced when her mother died. About age 10, she started experiencing serious flashbacks to the accident (she was in the car and saw her mother die). At this time we took her to a Christian counselor who helped her immensely. There may be more need for counseling as she grows, and we will take her when we feel it might be beneficial.

Please look for positive ways to help your children through this crazy grief process. Seek help from a Christian counselor, a pastor, or other mentors who are wise in the Scriptures and in life. With your help and the help of others like these I've suggested, your children can weather the storms of grief and continue to grow "in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man" (see Luke 2:52).